I asked, God answered.

Sometimes how you handle losing is important as how you handle winning.  I firmly believe that.  I got to handle losing today.  Well, it started last night with a co-worker rubbing a little salt into a wound that was gushing blue.  

My Dodgers lost the second world series in as many years.  For as many people that were disappointed, I'm sure that many or more were happy, and the Red Sox didn't respond by a burn against my Dodgers, but against the Yankees and the city of New York.  Cracked me up a little bit.  Not nice, but hey, sports rivalries seldom are.

They shouldn't be hateful, either.  I have friends who are Cowboys fans.  One in particular I joke with because she knows the history of the rivalry with the Redskins.  It's so deep-rooted that when the NFL re-aligned the divisions, only one team escaped the geographical re-alignment:  Dallas.  Dallas was the lone team that didn't get re-aligned to the new divisions.  They remain, and will remain, in the NFC East.  She posted the other day that her blood runs blue and silver.  I replied with a pithy:  "That explains things, it's a blood disorder.  HTTR!"

She knows I wasn't being mean.  She gets I'm giving her a bad time.  She gives as good as she gets and if for a minute she thought I was being mean to her, I'd quit!  

BTW HTTR isn't short for hater.  It's Hail to the Redskins.

I won a bet a couple of weeks ago when Dallas beat themselves and my Redskins came out victorious.  I mean that.  It was an ugly way to lose a football game and I'm not taking advantage.  I suggested a cheap lunch and something not out of the ordinary for our crew.

How you handle winning is just as important as how you handle losing.

I'm not handling the Dodgers thing all that well.  I congratulated my co-worker and I'm happy for my kid.  He's an Eagles fan (I have two sons that are) and a Red Sox fan.  His teams this year have won the Super Bowl and the World Series.  That's a pretty good year for a sports fan.

But I'm disappointed for me.  Maybe a little more than I ought to be.  I had hoped.  I even lied to myself saying that last night was going to be the start of the most epic comeback in baseball.  

It wasn't.  

It's hard to be me on a good day.  Yesterday wasn't.  I didn't feel well.  I feel better tonight, but felt, and apparently looked, like hell today.  My hair even looked tired.  Mine is usually all over the place, but it remained in place and it just looked like it was exhausted too.  My back has been hurting and when it hurts this bad, it's like a sponge sucking all the energy out of me.

And then there's the usual, like opening the mail and finding a letter addressed to the ex from her latest BF.  It doesn't hurt anymore, but the feeling I had is how I imagine a dog feels when it poops in the house and the owner sticks the dog's face in said pile of poop and yells "no" at it.

To add insult to injury, I was asked to sign an exclusion form for her car insurance. Why, I have no idea, but there it was, in my e-mail, with no explanation, just an urgent plea to please sign it.  In the relationship block of said form, it said "no relation".

That pretty much sums it up.  We used-ta did.  We ain't no more.  Except that I get to share my house with her.

That sounds like complaining, but i'm not.  I'm just telling you a story about my day, which sucked.  I asked my kid to go with me on an upcoming trip.  He declined.  I got stuck doing a "new guy" job on the plane today.  I got to watch the not new guys watch me do it.  I understand how it goes, and I have a servant's heart because I asked God in the middle of it to make sure I have one.  Sometimes, you're the new guy, and you get the jobs nobody else wants.  I just made the best of it.  How you handle losing is important as how you handle winning.

My second level boss noticed I was working today when I could have been at exercise time.  I asked him if he were me if he'd be gone.  He reminded me it didn't stop others when the tables were turned, but I'm smart enough to know that when the majority gets it and one doesn't looks a whole lot different than when the one gets it and the majority doesn't.  I explained to him that I'm a team guy.  How you handle winning is important as how you handle losing.

Today was a day full of that, but it's only a by-product of what today is about.  A Facebook friend and someone I know from the Guard days was having is own moment in time where he wanted a time-out and just an explanation from God about knowing that all of the crap he's going through is going to be worth it and just wanted to know he matters.  I understand that.  On a good day, I wonder sometimes what God is doing with my life.

And then I remember that I surrendered.  

I had a weird dream and an ex girlfriend was in it.  It's not a road I can, let alone would, go back down.  We've both been hurt enough by each other and sometimes you just have to accept that it's just not the plan for your life.  She was just in a dream I had.  So was brass hotel room key I dropped and someone found and gave back to me even though I didn't have my ID or wallet on me.  (I temporarily lost mine this morning in the car.  It fell in a place I couldn't see it).  It was just one of those dreams that was weird and that you wake up and wonder if there was some sort of hidden message to it.  I think there was and I'll get to that in a minute.

My life, as I said, on a good day makes no sense.  My ex lives with me.  So does her mom.  It's a separate arrangement because they live downstairs.  I get that she hates me and she's just stuck here, but it's an odd arrangement at best.  At worst, it's a stark reminder of mistakes in the past, like a dog getting his nose rubbed in poop.

The dream I had, and some other stuff prompted me to ask God about the path I'm on.  I think He showed me enough today about the paths I'm not on, and some stuff about the path I think I'm supposed to be on.  Oddly, enough, it also involves not buying a car.

The Chevy is starting to nickel and dime me.  The fuel pump I changed a few months ago is also a sending unit for the gas gauge.  That's not reading right as of last Monday.  The empty warning light still works though, and I have to just use the trip odometer to know when I need gas from now on.  I'm not going to change it in the near future.  I am going to change the water pump.  But I got this thing about being pre-approved for a car loan.  I filled out all the forms, sent in the financial paperwork, picked out a car.   That was a week ago.  The dealer was supposed to call me about the car.  The paperwork hasn't been reviewed, and I kinda felt God telling me now was not the right time to buy a car.

Hey, I can take a hint.

I bought the water pump instead.  Now I just need some time to change it.

I had to tell you all that to tell you this:  I got an answer about the paths I'm supposed to be on in the oddest of places; a Facebook post.  If you're a friend, you can look at my page because I shared it and added the comment:  Hmmmmmm.

It was right where I am today.  It explained the no's in my life; the no I dreamed about; the reinforcing no's of the no that lives downstairs; the no to a car payment at this juncture in my life.

There's some yes stuff in there, too.  The yes stuff came on the way home in the way it always does...little reminders at the exact place and time I'm wondering if it's still yes.

And the ultimate reminder that God's plans aren't mine, and I'm on His plan and not mine.  I tried mine.  I got here.

I asked.  He answered.  He's pretty faithful like that.  He says that He leads if I follow.  

I'm trying.