Growing pains
It's one thing to tell people you've changed, but how do you convince them?
I sometimes write the blog a day in advance, usually on the weekends. In case you haven't noticed, I've had a bit of writer's block this week, but I finally came up with something. I was writing tonight about a children's book I think adults can learn a lot from. I started out asking Why? then telling about the story of a little bug that sneezed and the events caused from that one sneeze. As I wrote, I began to realize something....a pivotal moment in my marriage was kind of playing itself out all over again.
I had a conversation last week with a friend over the phone. In the conversation, something was said in the moment that wasn't meant to be taken the way I took it. Sometimes we all say things we wish we hadn't, wish we could get back into our mouths. Unfortunately, we can't change how people react to what we say. This person was quite upset that I took what was said the way I did. It wasn't meant that way. But to me, if you say it, you mean it. It's how I got into trouble in my marriage because something that was said in anger, I took literally. And from there, I don't think there's anyone that doesn't know what happened. This person tried to explain and I pretty much dismissed the matter, said I didn't want to talk about it anymore. That's true, but what else I didn't want to do was let it go, either.
I talked to this person twice tonight. The first time I was cold and unfeeling about it, as I can be. I took this thing personally (a violation of the four agreements!) and refused to accept the explanation that was offered. It clearly bothered this person I reacted the way I did to what was said. In fact, I think it's fair to say I'd hurt this person more by my reaction than the person hurt me by saying what was said. The person did everything possible to fix the situation and I was unfeeling.
I started doing the dishes from dinner and as I did them, I thought about the story I'd started to write, laying out the consequences of the one thing that was said that feels like forever ago. As I thought about it, I realized that I was doing the same thing I did when things went badly. I refused to accept the explanation that was offered and was repeating the EXACT same behavior. Where had I seen that movie before? I'd done this more than once! It was something I needed to fix!
I was shocked and dismayed when I realized what I'd done. I immediately called the person back and offered a very sincere apology and explanation. Fortunately, the person was willing to forgive me for the way I acted and I forgave the person for what was said. The who and what was said isn't important, just that I learned a very important lesson. I recognized I was wrong and that even though I have changed a great deal, I still am a work in progress.
So, to answer my first question, how do you show people you've changed? It's not just enough for me to say it. There has to be something more. I hope that sharing this story with my friends it shows that I'm working on being a better person, a better friend, a better Christian. Tonight something very important happened.
I grew.
I sometimes write the blog a day in advance, usually on the weekends. In case you haven't noticed, I've had a bit of writer's block this week, but I finally came up with something. I was writing tonight about a children's book I think adults can learn a lot from. I started out asking Why? then telling about the story of a little bug that sneezed and the events caused from that one sneeze. As I wrote, I began to realize something....a pivotal moment in my marriage was kind of playing itself out all over again.
I had a conversation last week with a friend over the phone. In the conversation, something was said in the moment that wasn't meant to be taken the way I took it. Sometimes we all say things we wish we hadn't, wish we could get back into our mouths. Unfortunately, we can't change how people react to what we say. This person was quite upset that I took what was said the way I did. It wasn't meant that way. But to me, if you say it, you mean it. It's how I got into trouble in my marriage because something that was said in anger, I took literally. And from there, I don't think there's anyone that doesn't know what happened. This person tried to explain and I pretty much dismissed the matter, said I didn't want to talk about it anymore. That's true, but what else I didn't want to do was let it go, either.
I talked to this person twice tonight. The first time I was cold and unfeeling about it, as I can be. I took this thing personally (a violation of the four agreements!) and refused to accept the explanation that was offered. It clearly bothered this person I reacted the way I did to what was said. In fact, I think it's fair to say I'd hurt this person more by my reaction than the person hurt me by saying what was said. The person did everything possible to fix the situation and I was unfeeling.
I started doing the dishes from dinner and as I did them, I thought about the story I'd started to write, laying out the consequences of the one thing that was said that feels like forever ago. As I thought about it, I realized that I was doing the same thing I did when things went badly. I refused to accept the explanation that was offered and was repeating the EXACT same behavior. Where had I seen that movie before? I'd done this more than once! It was something I needed to fix!
I was shocked and dismayed when I realized what I'd done. I immediately called the person back and offered a very sincere apology and explanation. Fortunately, the person was willing to forgive me for the way I acted and I forgave the person for what was said. The who and what was said isn't important, just that I learned a very important lesson. I recognized I was wrong and that even though I have changed a great deal, I still am a work in progress.
So, to answer my first question, how do you show people you've changed? It's not just enough for me to say it. There has to be something more. I hope that sharing this story with my friends it shows that I'm working on being a better person, a better friend, a better Christian. Tonight something very important happened.
I grew.
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