Dealing with crap
OK, so I don't write much anymore. Today, hopefully, will be the start of a change in that. I miss it. I miss out on documenting some of the things that happen to me, and I think that's a dumb idea that I don't. I haven't been blogging. I don't keep a journal anymore because I got disappointed. I thought something was going to happen in February that didn't. I thought that something was going to happen two weeks ago that didn't. It was the same something, and honestly, sometimes I'm left with this question:
Why, God?
Some people I know are grappling with that question this morning. Some fellow Guardsmen lost a son. I'm grieving for them. I think it's important to keep their family in prayer this week. They need God to show up in the midst of their grief.
I had planned on giving a message at church this Sunday titled, "Why, God?" I had it all mapped out in my head and at the end we were going to change the question around by removing the comma. "Why God?" has an entirely different meaning than "Why, God?"
My pastor derailed those plans by asking and then answering the latter question with an answer each of us at one time or another has given another human being:
"BECAUSE!"
Thanks, Karl, for clearing that up. It was much better than I would have done, and I mean that without sarcasm. Sometimes the simple answers help us to understand "Why God?"
I read a blog post I saw on Facebook that I shared today which talks about doing the "Dumb Stuff" Jesus asks us to do. Many of you know that I'm trying to fix a broken relationship with someone who's in a relationship. That's a tough row to hoe and I don't like being there. I have tried, without success, as well as she has, to remove myself from this relationship many times. In doing so, I have caused myself untold amount of grief, pain, hurt, and found myself many times, literally in tears, at the foot of the cross about.
And it seems like a dumb place to find oneself. Even to me.
Yesterday, God led me to write down some things; some lessons I've learned through this "restoration" process that often times finds me forgotten and hurt. Yesterday was one of those days. So here's what I'd like to share with you about what I've learned.
Because: I disobeyed God. He gave me Cindy and told me to love her. He didn't put conditions on it. I did. It's been three years since I broke up with her the first time. I listened to some Godly counsel, some good advice, my roommate, and compared Cindy to someone else. And I loved me. More than Cindy and when I broke things off with her, I disobeyed God.
He, however had other plans. And through some trying circumstances, He would lead me back to the foot of the cross and have me ask Him to pick someone for me. He picked Cindy. And I got Cindy right where she is, with the implicit instruction "this time, you'd better love her."
Because: I chose to obey God when He said that, I got to learn this lesson: Don't make hasty decisions. I made a hasty decision when I broke things off with Cindy. Each time. And had I known now that all I had to do was say NO when she broke things off with me, I would have. I have learned to think carefully about the decisions I make because of a bad decision made in haste.
Because I made that decision in haste and God brought me back to the place where I made that poor choice, I got to learn this lesson: I can make choices. I cannot choose the consequences of those choices and God made it abundantly clear to me I was not going to escape the consequences of this choice. I get a front row seat to them.
And it's killing me inside.
Because of this, I learned something I have never known. I can love. Unconditionally. I learned the definition of the greek word "Agape", that highest form of love. That love that's a choice. I choose to love God. I choose to love Jesus, and because of that choice, the demonstration of that is to be obedient to Him. When I do that, I get Cindy in my life.
When I don't, I get disaster.
I dated a girl named Jen. Twice. Two years ago. She was a friend of my roommate Wayne. Apparently when I break things off with someone, they take it really personally sometimes. She borrowed a battery charger from me I'll never get back. She also fired my roommate from being a friend. Hey, all he did was introduce us. We only went out twice. Both times it was an awful experience.
I wanted to ask a girl from work out. Thankfully, God put a road block in my path. Things were looking impossible with Cindy and this woman (girl? she's my age.) is kinda sweet on me. I think she's attractive, nice, and someone I'd like to get to know. I was going to invite her over last New Year's Eve. That's when the pussycat got smooshed and when I went back to work after the holiday, she had been transferred to another building.
She was in the building the other day and I thought about talking to her. Thought about it. I came home and the pets and made messes all over the house. I just thought about it.
You know the nightmare with Tami Jo. I wonder sometimes if things had been different when God sent that angel who asked us to stop having sex, I had listened. God is pretty serious about that whole "obey" thing.
How He changed my feelings for her with something like a kiss though? I used to like kissing Tami Jo. When I came home and she kissed me, though, that night, I just knew something was wrong and she wasn't the one for me.
So I learned that when you get off the path, you can expect to get smacked back onto it. If you've decided to let God have His way.
God isn't this bad taskmaster. I got disciplined because He is my Father in Heaven and pretty much the only father I've ever known, and He loves me. God's idea of discipline isn't throwing me across the room (which my real dad did to me when I was in the second grade) and into a wall. God's idea is to take things that I've done and correct me to the way He's thinking. Sometimes that causes pain. But if you've ever lifted weights, you know that pain equals gain.
My life is complicated, to be sure, and often times it looks like I'm doing some dumb stuff. I would agree. But I believe God has a plan, and I have to follow where I think He's leading. He talked to me in church the other day, let me know that the alone I'm facing was to draw me closer to Him. I do that. I got hurt really bad by the circumstances in Cindy's life. I don't think she knows it, knows why I got hurt...she tries to keep things in her relationship from me but I find things out. And those things often lead me to ask God Why.
He was kind enough yesterday to provide the answer ahead of time through this random(?) suggested post that showed up on my Facebook page:
MoSpeaks- Matters of the Heart
Why did it end this way? How could he not love me? How could he leave me? I gave him my all! I was perfect......
Ladies, no matter how hard you try, you will never be perfect enough for the wrong person. God has a plan for your life.... the perfect plan... a plan which includes the man made just for you, so stop chasing after the heartache that He is trying to save you from! When you are ready, Mr. Right will
find you.
Why, God?
Some people I know are grappling with that question this morning. Some fellow Guardsmen lost a son. I'm grieving for them. I think it's important to keep their family in prayer this week. They need God to show up in the midst of their grief.
I had planned on giving a message at church this Sunday titled, "Why, God?" I had it all mapped out in my head and at the end we were going to change the question around by removing the comma. "Why God?" has an entirely different meaning than "Why, God?"
My pastor derailed those plans by asking and then answering the latter question with an answer each of us at one time or another has given another human being:
"BECAUSE!"
Thanks, Karl, for clearing that up. It was much better than I would have done, and I mean that without sarcasm. Sometimes the simple answers help us to understand "Why God?"
I read a blog post I saw on Facebook that I shared today which talks about doing the "Dumb Stuff" Jesus asks us to do. Many of you know that I'm trying to fix a broken relationship with someone who's in a relationship. That's a tough row to hoe and I don't like being there. I have tried, without success, as well as she has, to remove myself from this relationship many times. In doing so, I have caused myself untold amount of grief, pain, hurt, and found myself many times, literally in tears, at the foot of the cross about.
And it seems like a dumb place to find oneself. Even to me.
Yesterday, God led me to write down some things; some lessons I've learned through this "restoration" process that often times finds me forgotten and hurt. Yesterday was one of those days. So here's what I'd like to share with you about what I've learned.
Because: I disobeyed God. He gave me Cindy and told me to love her. He didn't put conditions on it. I did. It's been three years since I broke up with her the first time. I listened to some Godly counsel, some good advice, my roommate, and compared Cindy to someone else. And I loved me. More than Cindy and when I broke things off with her, I disobeyed God.
He, however had other plans. And through some trying circumstances, He would lead me back to the foot of the cross and have me ask Him to pick someone for me. He picked Cindy. And I got Cindy right where she is, with the implicit instruction "this time, you'd better love her."
Because: I chose to obey God when He said that, I got to learn this lesson: Don't make hasty decisions. I made a hasty decision when I broke things off with Cindy. Each time. And had I known now that all I had to do was say NO when she broke things off with me, I would have. I have learned to think carefully about the decisions I make because of a bad decision made in haste.
Because I made that decision in haste and God brought me back to the place where I made that poor choice, I got to learn this lesson: I can make choices. I cannot choose the consequences of those choices and God made it abundantly clear to me I was not going to escape the consequences of this choice. I get a front row seat to them.
And it's killing me inside.
Because of this, I learned something I have never known. I can love. Unconditionally. I learned the definition of the greek word "Agape", that highest form of love. That love that's a choice. I choose to love God. I choose to love Jesus, and because of that choice, the demonstration of that is to be obedient to Him. When I do that, I get Cindy in my life.
When I don't, I get disaster.
I dated a girl named Jen. Twice. Two years ago. She was a friend of my roommate Wayne. Apparently when I break things off with someone, they take it really personally sometimes. She borrowed a battery charger from me I'll never get back. She also fired my roommate from being a friend. Hey, all he did was introduce us. We only went out twice. Both times it was an awful experience.
I wanted to ask a girl from work out. Thankfully, God put a road block in my path. Things were looking impossible with Cindy and this woman (girl? she's my age.) is kinda sweet on me. I think she's attractive, nice, and someone I'd like to get to know. I was going to invite her over last New Year's Eve. That's when the pussycat got smooshed and when I went back to work after the holiday, she had been transferred to another building.
She was in the building the other day and I thought about talking to her. Thought about it. I came home and the pets and made messes all over the house. I just thought about it.
You know the nightmare with Tami Jo. I wonder sometimes if things had been different when God sent that angel who asked us to stop having sex, I had listened. God is pretty serious about that whole "obey" thing.
How He changed my feelings for her with something like a kiss though? I used to like kissing Tami Jo. When I came home and she kissed me, though, that night, I just knew something was wrong and she wasn't the one for me.
So I learned that when you get off the path, you can expect to get smacked back onto it. If you've decided to let God have His way.
God isn't this bad taskmaster. I got disciplined because He is my Father in Heaven and pretty much the only father I've ever known, and He loves me. God's idea of discipline isn't throwing me across the room (which my real dad did to me when I was in the second grade) and into a wall. God's idea is to take things that I've done and correct me to the way He's thinking. Sometimes that causes pain. But if you've ever lifted weights, you know that pain equals gain.
My life is complicated, to be sure, and often times it looks like I'm doing some dumb stuff. I would agree. But I believe God has a plan, and I have to follow where I think He's leading. He talked to me in church the other day, let me know that the alone I'm facing was to draw me closer to Him. I do that. I got hurt really bad by the circumstances in Cindy's life. I don't think she knows it, knows why I got hurt...she tries to keep things in her relationship from me but I find things out. And those things often lead me to ask God Why.
He was kind enough yesterday to provide the answer ahead of time through this random(?) suggested post that showed up on my Facebook page:
MoSpeaks- Matters of the Heart
Why did it end this way? How could he not love me? How could he leave me? I gave him my all! I was perfect......
Ladies, no matter how hard you try, you will never be perfect enough for the wrong person. God has a plan for your life.... the perfect plan... a plan which includes the man made just for you, so stop chasing after the heartache that He is trying to save you from! When you are ready, Mr. Right will
find you.
But Mo, I'm ready now!!!! 🤔.... Keep reading...
Think for a moment, if Mr. Right walked into your life right now, can you honestly say you are prepared to fully embrace him without questioning his intentions? Allow him to love you without fear of being hurt? Trust him without the voice in your head telling you he's just going to treat you like the others? Love him without apprehension and reservation without feeling it won't be reciprocated? Would you be able to be submissive and allow him to be the man or at least allow him to show you he is worthy? Most of us would answer NO and that's ok... acknowledging you're not ready is the first step towards healing and a step closer to the relationship you've been praying for.
But let's talk about Mr. Right for a moment. He may actually still be Mr. Wrong. He may be learning how to treat a woman bc of the pain in the eyes of the woman he mistreated. He may be learning how to love bc of the heart he broke when a woman loved him but he didn't love her back. And we all know Karma, so maybe just maybe he's now learning what commitment really means after finally giving his all to a woman who only gave 25% in return. My point.... God is preparing him, just like He's preparing you.
So be patient. Everything in life, especially people's actions, aren't meant to be understood... but must be accepted. Everyone isn't intended to be in your life for more than a season. Stop trying to figure it all out and embrace your journey...allow your experiences to make you better, not bitter and find peace in waiting...
Wait so that he'll be whole.... wait so that you'll be whole.... wait bc God has asked you to trust Him and His timing! Trust me, it'll all be worth the wait 😇
So to the list of things I learned add this. I can love because I've suffered for the pain I caused to the women I've mistreated. I've learned to love when I haven't been loved back. And I've learned what it means to commit to something when I get little to nothing in return. That last one took a long time to learn.
Why God? Because I need Him every minute. Because He's using that dumb stuff y'all think I'm doing for something far better than any of us could have seen when I started this journey. Because He is God. Because Jesus is Lord of my life and I love Him. Because the Holy Spirit prompts me.
And Because.
So the last question I have is whether Cindy is the lesson or the blessing. I keep asking.
I keep hearing "Yes".
Think for a moment, if Mr. Right walked into your life right now, can you honestly say you are prepared to fully embrace him without questioning his intentions? Allow him to love you without fear of being hurt? Trust him without the voice in your head telling you he's just going to treat you like the others? Love him without apprehension and reservation without feeling it won't be reciprocated? Would you be able to be submissive and allow him to be the man or at least allow him to show you he is worthy? Most of us would answer NO and that's ok... acknowledging you're not ready is the first step towards healing and a step closer to the relationship you've been praying for.
But let's talk about Mr. Right for a moment. He may actually still be Mr. Wrong. He may be learning how to treat a woman bc of the pain in the eyes of the woman he mistreated. He may be learning how to love bc of the heart he broke when a woman loved him but he didn't love her back. And we all know Karma, so maybe just maybe he's now learning what commitment really means after finally giving his all to a woman who only gave 25% in return. My point.... God is preparing him, just like He's preparing you.
So be patient. Everything in life, especially people's actions, aren't meant to be understood... but must be accepted. Everyone isn't intended to be in your life for more than a season. Stop trying to figure it all out and embrace your journey...allow your experiences to make you better, not bitter and find peace in waiting...
Wait so that he'll be whole.... wait so that you'll be whole.... wait bc God has asked you to trust Him and His timing! Trust me, it'll all be worth the wait 😇
So to the list of things I learned add this. I can love because I've suffered for the pain I caused to the women I've mistreated. I've learned to love when I haven't been loved back. And I've learned what it means to commit to something when I get little to nothing in return. That last one took a long time to learn.
Why God? Because I need Him every minute. Because He's using that dumb stuff y'all think I'm doing for something far better than any of us could have seen when I started this journey. Because He is God. Because Jesus is Lord of my life and I love Him. Because the Holy Spirit prompts me.
And Because.
So the last question I have is whether Cindy is the lesson or the blessing. I keep asking.
I keep hearing "Yes".
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