What it's like to be me
I have long ago abandoned any idea that I have control over my life. I surrendered that long ago when it became abundantly clear that fighting for control from God was akin to spitting in the wind. I'm surrendered and plan on staying that way.
Yesterday at church, one of my fellow church members shared this thought with me: You're always so busy doing this or that. You really need to take ten minutes out just to have coffee and a chat. I can always make time for that; there's always time for making time for important things like that. The problem is that I work nights and he's retired, so his idea of me making ten minutes typically looks like a Tuesday morning at far earlier than I want to get up.
My week looks like this:
Monday: Bible Study.
Tuesday: Mow the lawn at the church. I like to do this on Tuesdays because every other Tuesday is hot dog day.
Wednesday: Whatever gets thrown at me
Thursday: This is the day I like to clean the house.
Friday: If I'm not working, yard work
Saturday: Whatever didn't get done because something got jammed in there during the week and threw me off schedule or fixing whatever broke this time.
Sunday: Church
Throw in some mandatory overtime and it's not hard to see how things get backed up and stacked up. Remember, too, I'm a one-man-show so if I don't do it, it doesn't get done.
Here's a synopsis of how my last Saturday went:
Had to paint the rest of the fascia on the house to match the roof. To do that, I had to chop down more stuff. Once the stuff was chopped down and out of the way, I was able to finish painting the fascia. It matches the trim the roofers installed and changes the eye-line of the house so the gutters aren't nearly as noticeable.
I had to empty the truck to fill it again. I took the dog with me to the green waste. On the way back, I noticed the engine was overheating. By the time I got the truck home, it was so hot that coolant was bubbling out of the recovery tank. Every now and again this happens with my truck but it hadn't happened in a while.
I had promised a friend I would help him reattach some molding and a screen door to the front of his house. Fortunately, it was a quick project with only one trip to the hardware store, but in the process of reattaching the trim, I smashed my left index finger with a 16 oz. ball peen hammer. I didn't cuss or throw the hammer. I just said, "that really hurt" and pressed on with getting the job done.
On my way to my friend's house I realized that Saturday was the first Saturday of the month, and my night at the rescue mission wasn't until the following Saturday. I decided to squeeze in some grocery shopping. At the store, I remembered that Weber State football's home opener was that night. I decided to go to the game.
At the box office, I splurge and buy a ticket in the chair back seats. I get one. It's in a row that's full of people except for that one empty seat that is being used to hold the stuff of the ladies sitting on either side of that seat. Two rows up the seats are empty, so I take one of those in hope of not being kicked out of it. I spend the first quarter of the game more worried about being in the wrong seat than I do enjoying the game. The people around me are boring. Next time, it's back to the general admission side where I would still feel out of place but not as much.
I came home someplace in there Saturday to find Bucky had upset the garbage can again. I can't rightly recall which time it was, but I think before the game.
Everything was a fight on Saturday. When my fellow church-goer suggested I make ten minutes for coffee, I told him that if he finds me the ten minutes, they're all his. I'm still trying to recover from being on mandatory overtime for almost a year and clearing up things that have happened to me over the course of that time.
And that just covers the day to day stuff I do. It's not dealing with the stuff that reminds me how difficult it is to be on the path I'm on. It's more exhausting sometimes than the physical stuff, like remembering my back hurts on days that end with Y or all the stuff going on at my job that makes life stressful, or wondering when the Toyota that isn't mine is going to finally be gone from my driveway.
All that may sound like a bit of complaining, or a bit of a pity-party, which is not the intent here. I'm just talking about how my life is going these days. I"m blessed. I got the fire hazard circuit breaker panel fixed without having a fire at the house. It cost a lot of money but it's done now. The house has a new roof. I was able to take care of both those things so I'm grateful for that. I am so fortunate to live where I do, and I know God has a plan for the things that are weighing me down, like being alone.
I don't use busy as an excuse to not deal with things in my life or how I feel about them. God is intimately aware of how I feel about some of the stuff in my life. I know He knows, but part of me still feels it's necessary to remind him of it like the persistent widow. I don't think my feelings are as important as the experience is though, and I have trust and faith that He's the one in control, even when I can't figure out what He's doing at the moment.
So that's kind of what it's like to be me these days.
Yesterday at church, one of my fellow church members shared this thought with me: You're always so busy doing this or that. You really need to take ten minutes out just to have coffee and a chat. I can always make time for that; there's always time for making time for important things like that. The problem is that I work nights and he's retired, so his idea of me making ten minutes typically looks like a Tuesday morning at far earlier than I want to get up.
My week looks like this:
Monday: Bible Study.
Tuesday: Mow the lawn at the church. I like to do this on Tuesdays because every other Tuesday is hot dog day.
Wednesday: Whatever gets thrown at me
Thursday: This is the day I like to clean the house.
Friday: If I'm not working, yard work
Saturday: Whatever didn't get done because something got jammed in there during the week and threw me off schedule or fixing whatever broke this time.
Sunday: Church
Throw in some mandatory overtime and it's not hard to see how things get backed up and stacked up. Remember, too, I'm a one-man-show so if I don't do it, it doesn't get done.
Here's a synopsis of how my last Saturday went:
Had to paint the rest of the fascia on the house to match the roof. To do that, I had to chop down more stuff. Once the stuff was chopped down and out of the way, I was able to finish painting the fascia. It matches the trim the roofers installed and changes the eye-line of the house so the gutters aren't nearly as noticeable.
I had to empty the truck to fill it again. I took the dog with me to the green waste. On the way back, I noticed the engine was overheating. By the time I got the truck home, it was so hot that coolant was bubbling out of the recovery tank. Every now and again this happens with my truck but it hadn't happened in a while.
I had promised a friend I would help him reattach some molding and a screen door to the front of his house. Fortunately, it was a quick project with only one trip to the hardware store, but in the process of reattaching the trim, I smashed my left index finger with a 16 oz. ball peen hammer. I didn't cuss or throw the hammer. I just said, "that really hurt" and pressed on with getting the job done.
On my way to my friend's house I realized that Saturday was the first Saturday of the month, and my night at the rescue mission wasn't until the following Saturday. I decided to squeeze in some grocery shopping. At the store, I remembered that Weber State football's home opener was that night. I decided to go to the game.
At the box office, I splurge and buy a ticket in the chair back seats. I get one. It's in a row that's full of people except for that one empty seat that is being used to hold the stuff of the ladies sitting on either side of that seat. Two rows up the seats are empty, so I take one of those in hope of not being kicked out of it. I spend the first quarter of the game more worried about being in the wrong seat than I do enjoying the game. The people around me are boring. Next time, it's back to the general admission side where I would still feel out of place but not as much.
I came home someplace in there Saturday to find Bucky had upset the garbage can again. I can't rightly recall which time it was, but I think before the game.
Everything was a fight on Saturday. When my fellow church-goer suggested I make ten minutes for coffee, I told him that if he finds me the ten minutes, they're all his. I'm still trying to recover from being on mandatory overtime for almost a year and clearing up things that have happened to me over the course of that time.
And that just covers the day to day stuff I do. It's not dealing with the stuff that reminds me how difficult it is to be on the path I'm on. It's more exhausting sometimes than the physical stuff, like remembering my back hurts on days that end with Y or all the stuff going on at my job that makes life stressful, or wondering when the Toyota that isn't mine is going to finally be gone from my driveway.
All that may sound like a bit of complaining, or a bit of a pity-party, which is not the intent here. I'm just talking about how my life is going these days. I"m blessed. I got the fire hazard circuit breaker panel fixed without having a fire at the house. It cost a lot of money but it's done now. The house has a new roof. I was able to take care of both those things so I'm grateful for that. I am so fortunate to live where I do, and I know God has a plan for the things that are weighing me down, like being alone.
I don't use busy as an excuse to not deal with things in my life or how I feel about them. God is intimately aware of how I feel about some of the stuff in my life. I know He knows, but part of me still feels it's necessary to remind him of it like the persistent widow. I don't think my feelings are as important as the experience is though, and I have trust and faith that He's the one in control, even when I can't figure out what He's doing at the moment.
So that's kind of what it's like to be me these days.
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