And part two....

When I got in the car this morning, the last thing I was thinking about was where I was and where I was headed. I mean, I knew what I had planned, which was to help a friend with a quick project.  I got that and even though I felt like doody today, I went because I said I would.  I gotta start working on being prompt, though.  I forgot to drain the oil out of my catch pan, but Miss June recycles, bless her little pea pickin' heart, and I found a gallon jug in the trash can to do that.  I had the tools out so that part was easy.

I have to set up the rest of this:  Sometimes I hear things I need to, and the set-up for this week's Insight For Living was that it was a time-sensitive message from Chuck Swindoll.  I heard that sometime over the weekend.  They're interrupting a planned series on parenting to present this message today, and over the next three days.  As I got into my car to follow my friend to our next destination I was greeted with the message about not knowing where you are, not knowing where you're going, or both not knowing where you are or have any idea where you're going!

The last one I think would be me.  I didn't hear the whole message so I downloaded it and listened to it again today and downloaded the outline for the program as well.

As part of that, I decided to face the realities in my life.  Those realities are blessings, to be sure, but often not easy to deal with.

Here are the realities of my life:  I have a job and I'm thankful for it.  I mean that.  I don't mind the work and it's indoors which is a bonus on a day like today.  I work lots of hours sometimes, but that provides for the needs I have financially.  It's not the job I want.  The job I want I interviewed for over a month ago.  I haven't heard anything back, yes or no, since then so I'm not sure what happened.  Sooner or later, i suspect, I'll find out. 

I have a roof over my head.  I'm so thankful to be in my home and the Lord provided us another month here.  I'm making the payment right before I go to work today.  I'm happy to be here but it's a financial drain... a large one.  There are things I need to fix that I can't afford to fix.  There are some things that need to be replaced.  Those are big ticket items that I just can't do anything about right now.  It's not from a lack of taking care of things.  Sometimes things wear out and you have to replace them.  

I have cars that run but both need some love.  Right now, the truck is with the kiddo.  I'm thankful for what I have but I have this thing about things not working.  I worked on 50 year old airplanes and I suspect that's where the thing about things working like they should comes from.  I'm learning to live with it but it seems that the list of "K" write-ups around here is growing with each day.   I am thankful for not having a car payment, though, and I get to where I'm going.  Things are good enough for right now.

I've been sick a lot lately, it seems.  I think the doc finally figured out what's wrong with me and it's going to take a few weeks to get over it.  It's nothing serious but it just makes me feel like crap.  It's tough to do things when you're constantly tired and in pain, though.  All I want to do today is just sleep.

And then there's the reality that is my personal life.  I'm well aware of the circumstances surrounding my marriage.  That reality is very vivid to me and I don't understand the other part of that reality which is why when I try to do something about it things go very, very wrong for me.  But it's the reality I have to live with.  

I'm blessed where I'm at, and I think I have a pretty good handle on where I'm at, but I know that in that, I'm very lost.

You can't know how to get where you're going if you don't have the first clue where that is.  I have no idea where I'm headed and even on the best day, I feel somewhat lost.  I might be lost, and then again, there may be no place else to go because I'm where I'm gonna be.  I don't know.  I wish I did.

I wish I had answers.  They don't come.  But blessings do come!

In God's economy helping me stay where I'm at seems to be on the agenda.  And yes, things are somewhat broken around here but I'm not one bit worried about that, either.  God will provide a work around that I can afford.  Or He will just provide a new one.  I noticed the other day I really needed some new pillows.  One of mine was so old, the fabric covering ripped.  Miss June saw it too and bought me two new pillows last night.  I had the need and God used Miss June to meet that need for me.  It was a blessing because I asked God to meet it and He did.

The blessing I have the most is that God knows all of this.  He knows the frustration I feel.  He knows I feel lost and He helps me understand that for now, lost is where I need to be.  Jesus had 40 days in the wilderness, the Jews had 40 years.  And this may be all there is for me.  That's OK, too, because I know that even though it's hard, where I'm at financially gets better in just about 15 months.  In four more years, it'll be tremendously better.  I'm good with that.

So, although I have no idea why I'm where I'm at, I think I have a handle on where that is.  I'm counting my blessings and hoping that God will show me a way forward and provide the answers I want to the two pressing things on my mind.  I'm sure He will in His good time.  

And remember this, too, because it's what keeps me going.  I know I'm one of His children and that all of this He knows about.  He knows how it ends and He will show me what that is when it suits Him, not me.  I believe that if I yield to His will, what's best for me will be what He gives me, and for now, that best for me is to remain where I'm at.

So today, I'm counting my blessings.  I hope you are, too!