I wonder sometimes

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I honestly wonder sometimes if I have this whole thing wrong.  I mean, I know I did at first, but I went to school and learned some things.  I tried to get better at being a Christian.  I still stumble and trip.  I haven't had any epic fails, but some close calls.  I think it's just part of the experience.

I've been repaid evil for good; sometimes at every turn.  The whole thing of showing some integrity over a story I can't tell you in public led to me getting bit by the pussycat and then getting sick afterward.  I got smacked in the face, figuratively, by life again.  I kind of wrote about the relationship roulette thing too.  At least I got that part right.

My friend is trying hard to make the best of a bad situation.  I'm proud of her because it's hard.  She honestly is putting God and His word first.  It's not been an easy thing to do and it may not work out for her, but she's trying.  So many others wouldn't.

I wonder when we get home, will we then understand all the pain and hurt?  I know for me I don't even dream anymore because all my answers are either no or not now.  I honestly can't tell the difference.

I wonder, too, if I'd know yes if it came up and bit me in the butt.

I can't go backward.  That's the thing. God has changed my heart so much that going back to who I used to be isn't an option.  It seems easy because it's such a part of my nature.  But when it's time to go, I find I don't want to.  I know the stove is hot.  I don't need to put my hand on it again to find out.


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