Repentance
When I realized five years ago what an ass I was, I got some help for it. I spoke to a therapist three times before she yelled at me and told me I was fine (that really happened), I went to her and told her that I never wanted to treat another human being the way I treated my ex.
I thought I'd done a pretty good job of it until a bunch of stuff came colliding together that would change me life forever. Nothing has changed my life as much as the little jolt of truth I got from someone who I happen to be very much in love with.
Today's blog is about how I got to be this much in love with her, what I did, and about repentance in general.
A while back, we talked about getting back together. Some things had to change and as I found myself talking about those things, the finger I was pointing pointed right back at me. I realize I'd had a ton of stuff I was hanging onto and needed to let go of. I needed to change! That's a tough thing to realize and at the point of understanding it, I had a choice to make: I could change or I could let her go.
I did both.
But not because I wanted to. Sometimes you realize the mistakes you make are pretty severe and that if someone is happy with someone else, sometimes the best thing you can do, if you really love them, is to let them be happy with someone else. I needed to pretend this so I could get over the loss.
It worked for a while, and then some other stuff happened. I was minding my own business, trying to get over her, and some things happened that would bring us to a point where we are talking, which are stories for another day.
I have been in love before. I've been married three times and as I reflect back on the differences between then and now, it was I love you unless....
ah, there's that word: unless. I think it's an affliction of modern society. I'm guilty of it, but not in this case. For me this is all brand new and what makes it different is the absence of the word unless. With her, it's just simply "I love you." The implied seems to be "no matter what." I think that stems from how Jesus feels about us and maybe I'm learning some things about loving people.
I mentioned the conversation we had over the summer and that I saw something else happening to me, too. As we talked on that warm summer day, I found myself listening more to her than talking. In the time since then, I've been setting about correcting those things in my life because they needed to be corrected. I'd long since given up any hope of us being together. That's where repentance comes in.
Repentant requires more than sorrow. It's sorrow, coupled with action and fueled by grace and mercy. I've been sorry for many things over the years. I've been sorry I got caught. I've been outright sorry I hurt peoples' feelings. I've been sorry for my actions because of the consequences to me. This though is a brand new adventure in sorry for me. It's more than sorrow. It's more than wanting to make things right; it's about wanting to change them. Sorry is just a word unless there's a change in behavior.
I always look for God in my circumstances because there are things to be learned in them. By God's grace, I held the hand of the woman I love and listened to her tell me why we're not together last Saturday night. I always assumed it was something else, but it's an assumption that led me to do what I did that is the real reason we're not together. Don't assume you know anything because the real reason we're not together is this:
I broke a promise to her that meant everything to her.
The words cut like a knife and cut clean to the bone. They still do, and there was more. What came next is very private, but opened up a whole world of understanding of this woman, and showed me something I didn't like about myself. Sometimes, we become everything to someone and that's a dangerous thing, because when that happens, and we fail them, it hurts worse than anything. Sometimes expecting nothing becomes a better alternative from someone than taking another chance on someone else who let you down. What I heard in those words is that even though we love each other, and we do, the chance of getting hurt again by me is a chance she's reluctant to take.
That's a hell of a thing to live with. Especially this time because the sorrow I have isn't for me personally. I miss her in my life to be sure, but I hate what has transpired in hers because I was stupid and I'd do anything to change the circumstances. But the big question remains this:
So how do I convince her that I won't hurt her again? After all, I did it before. What's different now? My answer to that would be that I have that repentant heart. I confessed it to God. I asked her for forgiveness, but sometimes even that can seem like filling squares on your Christian bingo card. I don't think that's what Christ had in mind, so how can I fix it?
I don't know that I can. What I do know is that I can change me, but only with God's help.
I said something changed in me over the summer and it's this. I understand what kind of responsibility a man has to his woman. I never saw it modeled in my own home, so I had to thoroughly screw up my own life to the point where I needed Christ and be open to learning it. I've been through a lot, but I understand so much better, even this week, that I'm a work in progress. Pride isn't an option with me. I so want to be the PB&J guy to her again.
Her words cut me. They needed to. She's forgiven me for what I've done but it doesn't mean that she's going to give me the chance to do it again. Only time will tell whether or not that happens. I'm confident and hopeful, but some things had to change.
Words without actions accompanying them are just empty promises. I was reminded of that a couple of weeks ago. I asked something, but without the accompanying deed, so it's like it wasn't real. I made up for that, not in the way I'd liked, but in the way that was available. A lot of things that were out of my control had to happen to facilitate that, which is another story I won't tell for now. What I did may seem over the top, but repentance has to have a change in behavior.
I can say I'm sorry or I can show I'm sorry.
I chose both.
Stupidity has a cost. But it was more than stupidity. It was selfishness. I put me before someone else. I assumed the worst instead of asking questions. To avoid the whole mess, I had to put down my pride and stubbornness and pick up the phone. That's all it would have taken is for me to pick up the phone and put her before me.
I chose to be butt-hurt and stupid.
And it cost me everything.
In this sad little tale, there is hope. I learned so much about her that afternoon in June as we talked and like I said, something in me changed. For all her faults, she's pretty damn terrific. And I saw something in her eye last week I'd never ever seen before, which gives me hope. Her words changed me even from a week ago. I'm trying my level best to put her first, to give her the time and space she needs. Life seems to be in a bigger hurry than I am, these days, but I'm trying to meet her needs in the best way I can, given the circumstances. I didn't do a good job of that before.
My story is true, but it's also an allegory to the glory of God. He shows us what needs to be changed in our lives and gives us the opportunity to turn from our sins. He offers us grace and mercy. He can't work with a prideful heart, so sometimes he smashes that pride and then starts over. With God we see His love when we get that second chance we don't deserve. We find forgiveness when we come to him and confess our sins and repent from them. Repentance means change. It's that recognition that things cannot stay the same. It's not an I'm sorry time and time again for the same thing. It's saying that you recognize your failure and place a determination to not allow that failure to either define you or to allow it to happen again, with God's help.
And that's what this is all about.
I thought I'd done a pretty good job of it until a bunch of stuff came colliding together that would change me life forever. Nothing has changed my life as much as the little jolt of truth I got from someone who I happen to be very much in love with.
Today's blog is about how I got to be this much in love with her, what I did, and about repentance in general.
A while back, we talked about getting back together. Some things had to change and as I found myself talking about those things, the finger I was pointing pointed right back at me. I realize I'd had a ton of stuff I was hanging onto and needed to let go of. I needed to change! That's a tough thing to realize and at the point of understanding it, I had a choice to make: I could change or I could let her go.
I did both.
But not because I wanted to. Sometimes you realize the mistakes you make are pretty severe and that if someone is happy with someone else, sometimes the best thing you can do, if you really love them, is to let them be happy with someone else. I needed to pretend this so I could get over the loss.
It worked for a while, and then some other stuff happened. I was minding my own business, trying to get over her, and some things happened that would bring us to a point where we are talking, which are stories for another day.
I have been in love before. I've been married three times and as I reflect back on the differences between then and now, it was I love you unless....
ah, there's that word: unless. I think it's an affliction of modern society. I'm guilty of it, but not in this case. For me this is all brand new and what makes it different is the absence of the word unless. With her, it's just simply "I love you." The implied seems to be "no matter what." I think that stems from how Jesus feels about us and maybe I'm learning some things about loving people.
I mentioned the conversation we had over the summer and that I saw something else happening to me, too. As we talked on that warm summer day, I found myself listening more to her than talking. In the time since then, I've been setting about correcting those things in my life because they needed to be corrected. I'd long since given up any hope of us being together. That's where repentance comes in.
Repentant requires more than sorrow. It's sorrow, coupled with action and fueled by grace and mercy. I've been sorry for many things over the years. I've been sorry I got caught. I've been outright sorry I hurt peoples' feelings. I've been sorry for my actions because of the consequences to me. This though is a brand new adventure in sorry for me. It's more than sorrow. It's more than wanting to make things right; it's about wanting to change them. Sorry is just a word unless there's a change in behavior.
I always look for God in my circumstances because there are things to be learned in them. By God's grace, I held the hand of the woman I love and listened to her tell me why we're not together last Saturday night. I always assumed it was something else, but it's an assumption that led me to do what I did that is the real reason we're not together. Don't assume you know anything because the real reason we're not together is this:
I broke a promise to her that meant everything to her.
The words cut like a knife and cut clean to the bone. They still do, and there was more. What came next is very private, but opened up a whole world of understanding of this woman, and showed me something I didn't like about myself. Sometimes, we become everything to someone and that's a dangerous thing, because when that happens, and we fail them, it hurts worse than anything. Sometimes expecting nothing becomes a better alternative from someone than taking another chance on someone else who let you down. What I heard in those words is that even though we love each other, and we do, the chance of getting hurt again by me is a chance she's reluctant to take.
That's a hell of a thing to live with. Especially this time because the sorrow I have isn't for me personally. I miss her in my life to be sure, but I hate what has transpired in hers because I was stupid and I'd do anything to change the circumstances. But the big question remains this:
So how do I convince her that I won't hurt her again? After all, I did it before. What's different now? My answer to that would be that I have that repentant heart. I confessed it to God. I asked her for forgiveness, but sometimes even that can seem like filling squares on your Christian bingo card. I don't think that's what Christ had in mind, so how can I fix it?
I don't know that I can. What I do know is that I can change me, but only with God's help.
I said something changed in me over the summer and it's this. I understand what kind of responsibility a man has to his woman. I never saw it modeled in my own home, so I had to thoroughly screw up my own life to the point where I needed Christ and be open to learning it. I've been through a lot, but I understand so much better, even this week, that I'm a work in progress. Pride isn't an option with me. I so want to be the PB&J guy to her again.
Her words cut me. They needed to. She's forgiven me for what I've done but it doesn't mean that she's going to give me the chance to do it again. Only time will tell whether or not that happens. I'm confident and hopeful, but some things had to change.
Words without actions accompanying them are just empty promises. I was reminded of that a couple of weeks ago. I asked something, but without the accompanying deed, so it's like it wasn't real. I made up for that, not in the way I'd liked, but in the way that was available. A lot of things that were out of my control had to happen to facilitate that, which is another story I won't tell for now. What I did may seem over the top, but repentance has to have a change in behavior.
I can say I'm sorry or I can show I'm sorry.
I chose both.
Stupidity has a cost. But it was more than stupidity. It was selfishness. I put me before someone else. I assumed the worst instead of asking questions. To avoid the whole mess, I had to put down my pride and stubbornness and pick up the phone. That's all it would have taken is for me to pick up the phone and put her before me.
I chose to be butt-hurt and stupid.
And it cost me everything.
In this sad little tale, there is hope. I learned so much about her that afternoon in June as we talked and like I said, something in me changed. For all her faults, she's pretty damn terrific. And I saw something in her eye last week I'd never ever seen before, which gives me hope. Her words changed me even from a week ago. I'm trying my level best to put her first, to give her the time and space she needs. Life seems to be in a bigger hurry than I am, these days, but I'm trying to meet her needs in the best way I can, given the circumstances. I didn't do a good job of that before.
My story is true, but it's also an allegory to the glory of God. He shows us what needs to be changed in our lives and gives us the opportunity to turn from our sins. He offers us grace and mercy. He can't work with a prideful heart, so sometimes he smashes that pride and then starts over. With God we see His love when we get that second chance we don't deserve. We find forgiveness when we come to him and confess our sins and repent from them. Repentance means change. It's that recognition that things cannot stay the same. It's not an I'm sorry time and time again for the same thing. It's saying that you recognize your failure and place a determination to not allow that failure to either define you or to allow it to happen again, with God's help.
And that's what this is all about.
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