Getting it
A lot of crazy things happen to me. And from an outside-looking-in perspective, it must look like I'm some sort of raving lunatic, or I make bad choices, or any number of things on that spectrum. From my point-of-view, though, I see my life and circumstances as a life out of control.
And it hit me the other day.
My life is out of control.
And it's supposed to be. Because I'm not the one in control.
I heard from my friend who I was dating at the beginning of the year the other day. She wanted to check in and see how things were going. I told her, and I also told her that I was glad she didn't get caught up in it when things went crazy. My life was pretty normal there for a minute. Empty house, just me here, and a whole lot of stuff and pussycats that weren't mine, but for the most part, it was normal. I was dating a nice woman who had her own place, a job, and that didn't need rescuing from anything. I liked normal.
I still remember telling God that I liked normal. I still remember His reply:
"What fun is that?"
If my life were left up to me, I'd build myself a nice, quiet little box to live in. I'd have my routine. I'd come home from work, do what I needed to, and go to bed. I'd have my TV time. I'd still read my Bible and go to church on Sunday, but I'd have a schedule. I'd have my days planned. I'd know what I was doing a week from next Tuesday.
I'd build myself a comfort zone and I'd be hesitant to step out of it.
But that's not the abundant life God has for me. I go through a lot, but I'd miss out on so much if I didn't. And I'm looking for what good can come out of a bad situation.
Want to check where your walk with Christ is? Live with someone who hates you. Someone who you hurt who is putting your every word under a microscope. That's the person who is going to point out to you every time you fall short. Every time you don't make the mark, that's going to be noticed and brought to your attention.
I got yelled at on Thursday, and part of what was said to me was true. I talk to myself. Sometimes after I've withstood an outburst from someone, I mutter under my breath, but being half deaf, I talk louder than just muttering whatever was going through my head at the moment. And I got called out for it.
What's worse was that I had to own it. And I have to fix it.
God's pretty good to me. Sometimes He lets me know before hand what's going to happen. Other times, I get surprised. The surprise came when my ex told me that maybe she was here so I could fix everything I need to. She's certainly helping in the discovery process. She really brings out the worst in me. I need to work on that, too.
And I agreed with her on that point. It's hard to not get defensive when you're getting criticized. I'm trying to work on that, too.
I'm a work in progress.
I wasn't prepared for that onslaught. I just had to own it.
Here's another thing I was unprepared for: Opening the door and answering questions from two police officers about my former roommate at two in the morning on Friday. I was stupid tired, just got to sleep, and sitting there, on the stoop trying to think and wake up at the same time.
And I was siting there in my boxers and a tee shirt.
Welcome to Ogden.
I'm sure they've seen worse. I kept apologizing. The cops were nice about it. Told me not to worry about it. But I'm still embarrassed.
Nor was I prepared for this little news item: Apparently I got married last December and that nice old lady that used to live with me had to move because my new wife didn't like her.
That news came at coffee on Friday. Today I asked one of the ladies I trust at church to be a little discreet but to please tell the ladies that in fact, I'm quite single, that Miss June is back at the house, along with the aforementioned woman who hates me and her four kids. I also asked her to tell the ladies that if they want to know what's going on, just ask me. I'm pretty open about my life because I think there are some good examples of what God is doing with the mess that I am for others to see.
I'm learning to embrace the unexpected. I'm living with the delays, the re-directions, and the detours, understanding that I don't know what I'm being kept either from or for. I just go with things. I gave a guy a kitten today and invited him to church at the same time. Why not? He lives close. I'm understanding more and more that as much as my life is out of control, that it's only out of MINE.
God knows what He's doing. Today I got a double dose of a message about not being afraid. The first was the sermon at church, the second from a devotional. The same topic. Sometimes the unknown can make us afraid, but I don't see I'm afraid of anything, except that reverential fear of God. I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. I don't know where God is taking me next. All I know is I have that abundant life God promised me. I don't think it's supposed to be normal anymore. That ship sailed a long time ago. It made a port call, but in the end, I think one of the lessons for me was that normal is for other people.
God has some stuff to do, and He's inviting me to participate. But the message is clear, don't be afraid. And for once, I think I'm not. No matter what, I know I trust God. Disappointed? Yeah, I'm that lately. And confused? Maybe not as much as I was a few weeks ago. But afraid? I don't think so. I just hope it's not a warning. But at any rate, I know what my answer to that, and everything else is.
My answer is to be a surrendered Christian, to let go of my own selfish wants, and to yield to His will. It's not always easy. It's sometimes painful. But my life, for a lot of things is most certainly not this one:
BORING.
And it hit me the other day.
My life is out of control.
And it's supposed to be. Because I'm not the one in control.
I heard from my friend who I was dating at the beginning of the year the other day. She wanted to check in and see how things were going. I told her, and I also told her that I was glad she didn't get caught up in it when things went crazy. My life was pretty normal there for a minute. Empty house, just me here, and a whole lot of stuff and pussycats that weren't mine, but for the most part, it was normal. I was dating a nice woman who had her own place, a job, and that didn't need rescuing from anything. I liked normal.
I still remember telling God that I liked normal. I still remember His reply:
"What fun is that?"
If my life were left up to me, I'd build myself a nice, quiet little box to live in. I'd have my routine. I'd come home from work, do what I needed to, and go to bed. I'd have my TV time. I'd still read my Bible and go to church on Sunday, but I'd have a schedule. I'd have my days planned. I'd know what I was doing a week from next Tuesday.
I'd build myself a comfort zone and I'd be hesitant to step out of it.
But that's not the abundant life God has for me. I go through a lot, but I'd miss out on so much if I didn't. And I'm looking for what good can come out of a bad situation.
Want to check where your walk with Christ is? Live with someone who hates you. Someone who you hurt who is putting your every word under a microscope. That's the person who is going to point out to you every time you fall short. Every time you don't make the mark, that's going to be noticed and brought to your attention.
I got yelled at on Thursday, and part of what was said to me was true. I talk to myself. Sometimes after I've withstood an outburst from someone, I mutter under my breath, but being half deaf, I talk louder than just muttering whatever was going through my head at the moment. And I got called out for it.
What's worse was that I had to own it. And I have to fix it.
God's pretty good to me. Sometimes He lets me know before hand what's going to happen. Other times, I get surprised. The surprise came when my ex told me that maybe she was here so I could fix everything I need to. She's certainly helping in the discovery process. She really brings out the worst in me. I need to work on that, too.
And I agreed with her on that point. It's hard to not get defensive when you're getting criticized. I'm trying to work on that, too.
I'm a work in progress.
I wasn't prepared for that onslaught. I just had to own it.
Here's another thing I was unprepared for: Opening the door and answering questions from two police officers about my former roommate at two in the morning on Friday. I was stupid tired, just got to sleep, and sitting there, on the stoop trying to think and wake up at the same time.
And I was siting there in my boxers and a tee shirt.
Welcome to Ogden.
I'm sure they've seen worse. I kept apologizing. The cops were nice about it. Told me not to worry about it. But I'm still embarrassed.
Nor was I prepared for this little news item: Apparently I got married last December and that nice old lady that used to live with me had to move because my new wife didn't like her.
That news came at coffee on Friday. Today I asked one of the ladies I trust at church to be a little discreet but to please tell the ladies that in fact, I'm quite single, that Miss June is back at the house, along with the aforementioned woman who hates me and her four kids. I also asked her to tell the ladies that if they want to know what's going on, just ask me. I'm pretty open about my life because I think there are some good examples of what God is doing with the mess that I am for others to see.
I'm learning to embrace the unexpected. I'm living with the delays, the re-directions, and the detours, understanding that I don't know what I'm being kept either from or for. I just go with things. I gave a guy a kitten today and invited him to church at the same time. Why not? He lives close. I'm understanding more and more that as much as my life is out of control, that it's only out of MINE.
God knows what He's doing. Today I got a double dose of a message about not being afraid. The first was the sermon at church, the second from a devotional. The same topic. Sometimes the unknown can make us afraid, but I don't see I'm afraid of anything, except that reverential fear of God. I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. I don't know where God is taking me next. All I know is I have that abundant life God promised me. I don't think it's supposed to be normal anymore. That ship sailed a long time ago. It made a port call, but in the end, I think one of the lessons for me was that normal is for other people.
God has some stuff to do, and He's inviting me to participate. But the message is clear, don't be afraid. And for once, I think I'm not. No matter what, I know I trust God. Disappointed? Yeah, I'm that lately. And confused? Maybe not as much as I was a few weeks ago. But afraid? I don't think so. I just hope it's not a warning. But at any rate, I know what my answer to that, and everything else is.
My answer is to be a surrendered Christian, to let go of my own selfish wants, and to yield to His will. It's not always easy. It's sometimes painful. But my life, for a lot of things is most certainly not this one:
BORING.
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