And then, God showed up!
Last week, I started noticing unusual things again. These were the same things that led me down the path I've been walking for almost the last four years. Almost five years ago, I made a very bad choice. I forced someone out of my life that God told me just to love. I've blogged about this before. Of course, I'm talking about the Who.
Anyway, I was doubting what I saw until I got stopped behind a car when I was leaving for work on Friday that had an Oregon license plate with a Raiders plate frame. The Who is a Raiders fan from Oregon. It was the climax of the weird stuff I saw during the week and I no sooner spoke the words to God that I was skeptical of what I'd seen that I got caught behind said car in the parking lot at work. No escaping it. I saw it and I was supposed to.
On Saturday, I woke up early and told God that if this was just a lesson, I'd already learned it. I told Him that if it was just to reinforce the choice she'd already made last fall, I'd learned my lesson from Tami Jo and from Wendi. I honestly expressed that I'd be ok without having to repeat the lesson again.
I think that's a prayer that was answered today. It took all day for the answer to form, but that's sometimes the case. Sometimes, you gotta let go. I faced that last fall. I let go. And then the Who showed back up here or there, and in fact it was several of God's providences that made me walk away from a nice thing I had going on with somebody last winter. Then, I didn't see the twist life took when Wendi showed back up in my movie, but I know too, that part of her being here is to reinforce something God did last fall.
Much like what happened with Wendi, the Who was given a choice. Me or the other guy. She picked not me. I have to respect that God led me to that point where He offered the choice to her. I saw that more vividly with what happened with Wendi a few weeks ago. God gave her back what she asked for and more. It came with me. I was not chosen.
I made my choices in both cases. I said yes. I said yes four and a half years ago. Back then I kind of knew it wouldn't work out. I went anyway. I had no guarantees of what would happen with Wendi, but I went anyway. God led. I followed. Both times, it didn't work out well for yours truly, but it did change me.
Two things reminded me that God is working in my life. The first was a reminder from my pastor friend that the circumstances I'm in today are a direct result of the stupid and horrible choices I've made in the past. I also got reminded tonight that it's not my job to change or save anybody. That's a lesson you'll find hanging on my cork board in the room I decorated and painted for the Who these days. When we were going to get back together in 2014, I tried to change her by getting her to quit swearing. It was dumb.
Oh, what I wouldn't give for another shot to just love her for who she is. But sometimes, the damage is done and some people are only lessons. For now, it looks like she's the lesson.
I've been in the process of letting go since I found that thing in the parking lot at Smith's last October that said, "It's time to let me go." I carry her around in my heart. But loving her and acting on it are two very separate things. I haven't heard from her in almost two months, now. That's the longest we've gone without speaking since the night I met her.
I made some mistakes with her that I don't intend on repeating. She was good enough for me. I shouldn't have cared about what she wasn't or what she was. I should have just loved her the way she was and let God worry about the rest.
Again, a pricy and painful lesson learned.
So I let go. In the room I spoke of there is a small wine bottle chiller. In it, I had a bottle of pink Moscato wine I bought for her a wile ago. Tonight I drank it. Getting drunk was the intention. But as Pastor Steve reminded us this morning, in God's economy everything is upside down. What started out as an alcohol-fueled pity party over an unrequited love actually wound up being quite cathartic.
Instead of playing sad country and Jimmy Buffet songs, I started being happy for what God is doing in my life. I started to see what He was telling me, and a timely word about letting go someplace in the middle of the first glass of wine really helped.
I didn't have the pity party. I drank her bottle of wine, and it helped me to let go.
I don't make a habit of drinking alone. If I have a drink, It's usually limited to one. Tonight, though, by the fire, I found out that maybe I was trying to hold onto something instead of letting go. Maybe telling God I'd learned my lesson helped. I don't know. All I know is that He helped me to let go. I can't explain it better than that.
On to other things:
I have a calling in life. It involves a lawnmower and a small patch of grass on 25th and Jefferson. I'm the guy who mows the lawn. Other people take care of the building. I mow the lawn. It's what I do. It's my thing, if you will. Some are called to do this or that. I mow the lawn.
I also sometimes get asked to share a message. it's a blessing and part of me growing in maturity in the faith. I have gifts that enable me to do this and I share those gifts with others. It's not a "calling". During our prayer request time, I asked for prayer for a message I've been asked to share later on this week. Steve's comment was that I may have found my calling. I reminded Pastor Steve that I'm just the fill-in guy. His reply to me was that he used to say the same thing.
His calling isn't mine. The leadership at our church felt he was the guy to lead our flock forward from our Pastor Karl. He agreed with them. And he's doing a great job of trying to put the mistakes and stuff from the past that led to Karl leaving behind us. I think that's cool. Aside from Karl being a mentor and my former Pastor, he's also a dear friend. And I'm loyal to my friends. I had a lot of hard feelings and Steve was able to help me get past them by dealing with the feelings I, and others, had about what happened.
God showed up there, too and is changing people. I'm actually amazed at the changes I've seen in some in the last six months or so. I know what God can do to hearts, because He did it to mine. He's doing it in others and it's something to behold. But being Pastor, that's not my calling. It's his. And it's honestly not something I feel God is calling me to do right now. I doubt it's for me. But I can share my gifts with others, without having it be a "calling" on my life. My calling: Airplane mechanic. Lawn mower guy. Share my space guy. Be hospitable. Those are my callings. Being in the ministry: Not in that capacity.
So, back to my story. Pastor Steve explained that very often, when we're led by the Spirit, things that make perfect sense to believers will look like utter nonsense to non-believers. I know this all too well. My life looks like I'm a lunatic spinning out of control if you look at it from the outside looking in. It's hard sometimes for me because I don't understand it myself. But if I'm out of control, it means that the Creator HAS control.
That's my choice. I can say yes or no. I say yes to Him and NO! to a lot of other stuff. I fight constantly to do that. To surrender. To fight temptation. And I fought a hell of a fight to get the Who back.
I didn't win. But I fought a hell of a fight. And I'm mindful of the other lessons I learned along the way. And I'm mindful too that if God asks me to give something up, there are reasons for it I may not see.
So what started out as a pity party actually wound up being anything but. It was just me and God, hanging out by the fire pit, and figuring out some stuff.
And maybe too, by getting rid of the vino, it was a way to let go of th Who. I wasn't saving it in case she came back. I drank it in acknowledgment of the fact she probably isn't going to. Not my choice, but it's something I've had plenty of time to accept.
I don't know what's next for my life-life. I'm hoping someone terrific is looking for me and it's who God wants. And if that happens, and I hope it will, I'm just going to love her for who she is and I'll leave the stuff only God can do up to Him.
That's my story. Thanks for letting me share it with you.
Anyway, I was doubting what I saw until I got stopped behind a car when I was leaving for work on Friday that had an Oregon license plate with a Raiders plate frame. The Who is a Raiders fan from Oregon. It was the climax of the weird stuff I saw during the week and I no sooner spoke the words to God that I was skeptical of what I'd seen that I got caught behind said car in the parking lot at work. No escaping it. I saw it and I was supposed to.
On Saturday, I woke up early and told God that if this was just a lesson, I'd already learned it. I told Him that if it was just to reinforce the choice she'd already made last fall, I'd learned my lesson from Tami Jo and from Wendi. I honestly expressed that I'd be ok without having to repeat the lesson again.
I think that's a prayer that was answered today. It took all day for the answer to form, but that's sometimes the case. Sometimes, you gotta let go. I faced that last fall. I let go. And then the Who showed back up here or there, and in fact it was several of God's providences that made me walk away from a nice thing I had going on with somebody last winter. Then, I didn't see the twist life took when Wendi showed back up in my movie, but I know too, that part of her being here is to reinforce something God did last fall.
Much like what happened with Wendi, the Who was given a choice. Me or the other guy. She picked not me. I have to respect that God led me to that point where He offered the choice to her. I saw that more vividly with what happened with Wendi a few weeks ago. God gave her back what she asked for and more. It came with me. I was not chosen.
I made my choices in both cases. I said yes. I said yes four and a half years ago. Back then I kind of knew it wouldn't work out. I went anyway. I had no guarantees of what would happen with Wendi, but I went anyway. God led. I followed. Both times, it didn't work out well for yours truly, but it did change me.
Two things reminded me that God is working in my life. The first was a reminder from my pastor friend that the circumstances I'm in today are a direct result of the stupid and horrible choices I've made in the past. I also got reminded tonight that it's not my job to change or save anybody. That's a lesson you'll find hanging on my cork board in the room I decorated and painted for the Who these days. When we were going to get back together in 2014, I tried to change her by getting her to quit swearing. It was dumb.
Oh, what I wouldn't give for another shot to just love her for who she is. But sometimes, the damage is done and some people are only lessons. For now, it looks like she's the lesson.
I've been in the process of letting go since I found that thing in the parking lot at Smith's last October that said, "It's time to let me go." I carry her around in my heart. But loving her and acting on it are two very separate things. I haven't heard from her in almost two months, now. That's the longest we've gone without speaking since the night I met her.
I made some mistakes with her that I don't intend on repeating. She was good enough for me. I shouldn't have cared about what she wasn't or what she was. I should have just loved her the way she was and let God worry about the rest.
Again, a pricy and painful lesson learned.
So I let go. In the room I spoke of there is a small wine bottle chiller. In it, I had a bottle of pink Moscato wine I bought for her a wile ago. Tonight I drank it. Getting drunk was the intention. But as Pastor Steve reminded us this morning, in God's economy everything is upside down. What started out as an alcohol-fueled pity party over an unrequited love actually wound up being quite cathartic.
Instead of playing sad country and Jimmy Buffet songs, I started being happy for what God is doing in my life. I started to see what He was telling me, and a timely word about letting go someplace in the middle of the first glass of wine really helped.
I didn't have the pity party. I drank her bottle of wine, and it helped me to let go.
I don't make a habit of drinking alone. If I have a drink, It's usually limited to one. Tonight, though, by the fire, I found out that maybe I was trying to hold onto something instead of letting go. Maybe telling God I'd learned my lesson helped. I don't know. All I know is that He helped me to let go. I can't explain it better than that.
On to other things:
I have a calling in life. It involves a lawnmower and a small patch of grass on 25th and Jefferson. I'm the guy who mows the lawn. Other people take care of the building. I mow the lawn. It's what I do. It's my thing, if you will. Some are called to do this or that. I mow the lawn.
I also sometimes get asked to share a message. it's a blessing and part of me growing in maturity in the faith. I have gifts that enable me to do this and I share those gifts with others. It's not a "calling". During our prayer request time, I asked for prayer for a message I've been asked to share later on this week. Steve's comment was that I may have found my calling. I reminded Pastor Steve that I'm just the fill-in guy. His reply to me was that he used to say the same thing.
His calling isn't mine. The leadership at our church felt he was the guy to lead our flock forward from our Pastor Karl. He agreed with them. And he's doing a great job of trying to put the mistakes and stuff from the past that led to Karl leaving behind us. I think that's cool. Aside from Karl being a mentor and my former Pastor, he's also a dear friend. And I'm loyal to my friends. I had a lot of hard feelings and Steve was able to help me get past them by dealing with the feelings I, and others, had about what happened.
God showed up there, too and is changing people. I'm actually amazed at the changes I've seen in some in the last six months or so. I know what God can do to hearts, because He did it to mine. He's doing it in others and it's something to behold. But being Pastor, that's not my calling. It's his. And it's honestly not something I feel God is calling me to do right now. I doubt it's for me. But I can share my gifts with others, without having it be a "calling" on my life. My calling: Airplane mechanic. Lawn mower guy. Share my space guy. Be hospitable. Those are my callings. Being in the ministry: Not in that capacity.
So, back to my story. Pastor Steve explained that very often, when we're led by the Spirit, things that make perfect sense to believers will look like utter nonsense to non-believers. I know this all too well. My life looks like I'm a lunatic spinning out of control if you look at it from the outside looking in. It's hard sometimes for me because I don't understand it myself. But if I'm out of control, it means that the Creator HAS control.
That's my choice. I can say yes or no. I say yes to Him and NO! to a lot of other stuff. I fight constantly to do that. To surrender. To fight temptation. And I fought a hell of a fight to get the Who back.
I didn't win. But I fought a hell of a fight. And I'm mindful of the other lessons I learned along the way. And I'm mindful too that if God asks me to give something up, there are reasons for it I may not see.
So what started out as a pity party actually wound up being anything but. It was just me and God, hanging out by the fire pit, and figuring out some stuff.
And maybe too, by getting rid of the vino, it was a way to let go of th Who. I wasn't saving it in case she came back. I drank it in acknowledgment of the fact she probably isn't going to. Not my choice, but it's something I've had plenty of time to accept.
I don't know what's next for my life-life. I'm hoping someone terrific is looking for me and it's who God wants. And if that happens, and I hope it will, I'm just going to love her for who she is and I'll leave the stuff only God can do up to Him.
That's my story. Thanks for letting me share it with you.
Comments
Post a Comment