and then I fell on my face
Today starts a new season for me. Here's how it started off:
I lost. In spectacular fashion.
I mean, I've lost before, but I went down in an ash heap of flames today. And I think it's embarrassing to have to admit what everybody else knew, but God didn't call me to believe what everybody else knew. He asked me to trust Him and He led me to a place that I would be OK with whatever outcome HE chose.
In the race to get to the crash site, I jumped a few stop signs. I ran a few yellow lights. And I'm not sorry I did. Everything I did, I did because I loved another person more than me, and I loved God enough to allow Him to use this last season in my life to shape and mold me.
I finally got OK with whatever outcome a few days ago. The last time He asked me to let go, it was a real struggle to. This time, though, He arranged the circumstances enough to know that it's just time. It's time for a change in seasons from the season of transition I have been in to whatever this season is.
I don't know what that season is. I just know it's day one.
I've had to deal a lot this week with fears. The last lesson God used the Who to teach me is one about fear. I lost five years of my life because I was afraid she would hurt me like my ex did and I found an excuse to let her go. And after making a mess of things with NO! for the third time, I asked God what He wanted and He told me it was in fact the Who, and I got to do this.
I had to. I needed to change. I needed to stop being afraid of what would happen if He then changed course. I needed to not be afraid of losing.
I'm not. I lost. But in that loss, I learned so much. I learned to be grateful when there isn't much left. I learned to love unconditionally, especially when that love requires sacrifice or a choice. I learned not to give back what God gives you, because He will give it to someone else. I learned to follow God's leading, even when it made no sense to absolutely everyone else.
And in that process, because God is a just judge, I reaped what I sowed and my ex-wife, Wendi got a front row seat to it. That's a stone cold truth that has just brought her untold joy.
I'm OK with that, by the way. Maybe it helps her not hate me anymore, because she's seen something I always tell people: You don't have to get even. You just have to live long enough.
I lived long enough. I didn't get what I deserved, but I most assuredly deserved what I got.
I'm OK with that, too.
I learned to serve God while waiting. I learned to trust Him in the storms. I learned that God is always right where I'm headed, and it's amazing to me how he used everything I've been through in the last month to soften the blow. He knew what He was doing, and even in that disappointment (it'll hit when the shock wears off, I'm sure) I know He loves me.
He loved me enough to not let me escape the consequences of my decisions.
I saw a lot of Scripture lived out today. I got correction from my Heavenly Father, but that trial ended. I got told the truth. Things that were hidden became revealed. And in the grand scheme of things, I know that I'm disappointed but much better off in the long run. I have said this from the outset: It was never about her and me. This has always been about God and me and what He wants for my life.
And what He wanted today at four, was an end to the trial.
Moving into new seasons seems to have a thing: Some of the things from the old one can't come. The Who is one. For the longest time, she had keys to my house; just in case. I re-keyed the house, just to shut the door on her having a place here. My cell phone will be changed in the next little while. I'll text everyone tomorrow with the new number. It's just a way of letting go. Sometimes the doors and windows to the past need to be nailed shut.
I don't understand, but I know the One who does. I know Jesus and I am His. It's that surrendered posture that's helping me most to accept the outcome I once feared. Whatever is next is up to Him, and I think that's going to entail coming to terms with some things and changing a few more things. I have the strength to let go because of the things He's put me through the last little while, because my eyes are on HIM.
Two good things will happen tonight, though.
ONE: I have answers. They are not the ones I wanted, but they are answers and they are solid. This trial is over.
TWO: I have a real bed to sleep in. I bought my houseguest a bed to sleep in while he was here. Now that he's gone, that bed became mine. I'm thankful for the lessons learned by sleeping on an air mattress for more than a month but I'm thankful too, that in the new season, the air mattress goes back in the camping stuff.
I'm not OK. I'm not going to pretend to be. But I know Jesus loves me and I love Him, and love God more than anything, so I have joy and peace. I will be OK.
Soon.
I lost. In spectacular fashion.
I mean, I've lost before, but I went down in an ash heap of flames today. And I think it's embarrassing to have to admit what everybody else knew, but God didn't call me to believe what everybody else knew. He asked me to trust Him and He led me to a place that I would be OK with whatever outcome HE chose.
In the race to get to the crash site, I jumped a few stop signs. I ran a few yellow lights. And I'm not sorry I did. Everything I did, I did because I loved another person more than me, and I loved God enough to allow Him to use this last season in my life to shape and mold me.
I finally got OK with whatever outcome a few days ago. The last time He asked me to let go, it was a real struggle to. This time, though, He arranged the circumstances enough to know that it's just time. It's time for a change in seasons from the season of transition I have been in to whatever this season is.
I don't know what that season is. I just know it's day one.
I've had to deal a lot this week with fears. The last lesson God used the Who to teach me is one about fear. I lost five years of my life because I was afraid she would hurt me like my ex did and I found an excuse to let her go. And after making a mess of things with NO! for the third time, I asked God what He wanted and He told me it was in fact the Who, and I got to do this.
I had to. I needed to change. I needed to stop being afraid of what would happen if He then changed course. I needed to not be afraid of losing.
I'm not. I lost. But in that loss, I learned so much. I learned to be grateful when there isn't much left. I learned to love unconditionally, especially when that love requires sacrifice or a choice. I learned not to give back what God gives you, because He will give it to someone else. I learned to follow God's leading, even when it made no sense to absolutely everyone else.
And in that process, because God is a just judge, I reaped what I sowed and my ex-wife, Wendi got a front row seat to it. That's a stone cold truth that has just brought her untold joy.
I'm OK with that, by the way. Maybe it helps her not hate me anymore, because she's seen something I always tell people: You don't have to get even. You just have to live long enough.
I lived long enough. I didn't get what I deserved, but I most assuredly deserved what I got.
I'm OK with that, too.
I learned to serve God while waiting. I learned to trust Him in the storms. I learned that God is always right where I'm headed, and it's amazing to me how he used everything I've been through in the last month to soften the blow. He knew what He was doing, and even in that disappointment (it'll hit when the shock wears off, I'm sure) I know He loves me.
He loved me enough to not let me escape the consequences of my decisions.
I saw a lot of Scripture lived out today. I got correction from my Heavenly Father, but that trial ended. I got told the truth. Things that were hidden became revealed. And in the grand scheme of things, I know that I'm disappointed but much better off in the long run. I have said this from the outset: It was never about her and me. This has always been about God and me and what He wants for my life.
And what He wanted today at four, was an end to the trial.
Moving into new seasons seems to have a thing: Some of the things from the old one can't come. The Who is one. For the longest time, she had keys to my house; just in case. I re-keyed the house, just to shut the door on her having a place here. My cell phone will be changed in the next little while. I'll text everyone tomorrow with the new number. It's just a way of letting go. Sometimes the doors and windows to the past need to be nailed shut.
I don't understand, but I know the One who does. I know Jesus and I am His. It's that surrendered posture that's helping me most to accept the outcome I once feared. Whatever is next is up to Him, and I think that's going to entail coming to terms with some things and changing a few more things. I have the strength to let go because of the things He's put me through the last little while, because my eyes are on HIM.
Two good things will happen tonight, though.
ONE: I have answers. They are not the ones I wanted, but they are answers and they are solid. This trial is over.
TWO: I have a real bed to sleep in. I bought my houseguest a bed to sleep in while he was here. Now that he's gone, that bed became mine. I'm thankful for the lessons learned by sleeping on an air mattress for more than a month but I'm thankful too, that in the new season, the air mattress goes back in the camping stuff.
I'm not OK. I'm not going to pretend to be. But I know Jesus loves me and I love Him, and love God more than anything, so I have joy and peace. I will be OK.
Soon.
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