yesterday's post sucked

I know it did.  Like I've said before, when I don't write what's on my heart, the posts often do.  It's like things are contrived and I'm just trying to take my own attention off what I really wanted to share.  I still can't find the mixer meat grinder attachment, but writing a whole post about that was pointless.

Here's what's on my heart.

Sometimes it's hard to follow where God is leading me.  If I didn't say that, I'd be a liar.  There are times I want to just be done with this whole mess and up until last Thursday, I'd spent the better part of a week trying to figure out just how to make that happen.

What stopped me was that little video I mentioned.  I shared it on my Facebook page, so if we're friends there you can check it out for yourself.  The last line of that video really hit home.... Obey God and let Him worry about the consequences.

Even that, reassuring as it is, isn't always the easiest thing to do.  It's always the most expedient but often it's the option that might make the least amount of practical sense.

Obeying God was what I was not doing.  I was off on my own, researching the solution to the biggest problem the Mrs. and I would have in any potential divorce.  And I went through one of the worst weeks in a long time while doing it.  I then asked for a little guidance and got a lot more than I thought I would.

God does answer prayers, and part of my answer is that I'm where I have to be, at least for right now.  I may not like it, but I can, I think, finally accept it.  Until the next time.

Staying where I'm at is hard.  I don't like the circumstances, but I'm trusting that God knows what He's doing.  I remember it's not supposed to make sense, and I've said all this over and over again, and when the pain of staying here gets to be too much, sometimes I think I'm going to do this or that.  One of those occasions presented itself a couple of weeks ago when I truly thought circumstances were going to force a resolution to the marital circumstances.  Yeah, not so much.  What I thought was a slam-dunk was anything but, which is a large blessing on one part, but keeps things the way they are on the other hand.

Every time, something happens that stops this, on both sides, and for the life of me, I do not understand why that is.  But God does.

So, what had to change in me was something I didn't even realize.  I get overwhelmed around here and I keep thinking I need someone in my life to share my life.  I miss that, I really do, but at least for now, God's answer would be NO.  I had a talk about this very thing with my ex-wife the other night.  She asked me why I don't just end it.  I explained it to her from a different perspective than the one she had and I think I kind of left her speechless, too.  It's a lot to believe, unless you believe, and if you believe on Jesus, I suppose it's not that hard to understand.  Understanding it is one thing, living it quite another.

I've been kind of sitting on the topic because it's the same old story without any new twists.  But it goes to the larger point which is that I don't just sit here and stew over my circumstances and in fact I do try to figure out ways to change them sometimes.  And every single time I do, things get rough around here.  For a long time, I thought that NO applied to just one certain person.  More and more, I'm thinking that NO is a more broad statement about going where I think I need to.

So, where I'm going I have no idea about.  I know that I'm more at peace since seeing and hearing the things I did the other day.  Obeying God sometimes does have consequences but God has been pretty faithful up to this point to help me learn what I've needed to.  There's just one little bump in the road to overcome that I'm pretty sure was caused as a result of me wanting to go my own way again.  I'm trusting that He will provide the answer to that small problem that I need.

And as for me, I'm just at the acceptance phase of all of this.  One of these days, something will change and the way forward will become clear.  Until then, I have a couple of things to occupy my time.  I organized my kitchen and the closet in the laundry room this morning.  I found a place for all of my gadgets and found one gadget I think I can live without.  It's a little gadget that helps you slice a loaf of homemade bread straight.

Well, that's all for Monday.  And thanks for reading the blog.