Too much free time. (updated and worth a second read, I think)
Part of figuring out where I'm headed in this life is taking an honest look back at the mistakes I've made over the years. It hurts to know the dumb things I've done and the effect they've had on the people I've loved the most. I had a chance to reflect on this a bit, mostly from something my roommate said to me about the stuff I moved from the house to the garage.
As I looked at the stack of dishes sitting there, I had a chance to reflect on why that pile was so big. Each one was purchased for my ex out of love. Buying her stuff was my way of saying "I love you." What she needed and wanted the most was just for me to stop what I was doing and just be there and spend time with her.
She has a pile of things. I have a pile of unkept promises.
On my keychain, I have a little heart that says promise kept. Sometimes I'll look at it and it reminds me that what I do matters more than the things I buy or give away. My time matters; be it with a friend who needs to just chat or just listening to a co-worker with a problem. What I do matters, like mowing the lawn or pulling the weeds in my flower beds. Those things matter to my neighbors. They matter to the community. They matter to God.
We had a sermon today about being a member of the church. Those that don't see me often are left with memories of the man I used to be and know little about the man I choose to be today. Being a better dad, a better neighbor, a better person, those are all choices I can control. I can't undo the past but I don't need to be a slave to it, either.
Sometimes, I think, we can be slaves to our past. I struggle with part of it. Right now, I think the thing I'd like the most is to have someone to share this new life I'm carving out for myself. While I would, I don't think it's a necessary thing. Having said that, though, I could have made it the rest of the night without opening my Bible to John 4:16 at the top of the page. You'd have to read the whole story, not just that particular verse and still then you might not understand. It's just another reminder of things in my life that wind up in the 'could have been' pile. Struggling with loneliness is just something I need to do. But in that struggle, I can control the choices I make. It's like the whole bad guy thing; someone may need me to be their bad guy and there's little I can do to change that.
What I do though is change the way I live my life. I want to get to the point where if people say things about the past me, others will say that it may have once been true, but not anymore. That, too, isn't going to happen overnight, but it is something I can control. Just because someone makes me out to be a bad guy doesn't mean I actually have to BE that person. That's comforting to know.
I took that bit of something out of today's sermon. I'm never going to be perfect, but I can be better. It's better I'm aiming for, one step at a time.
But it's hard, too. I have to be honest about something. I was looking at a little bakery for sale on the Oregon coast. It's something I could have made work in a month or so. I had to look at why I wanted to buy the bakery. Was it because it was something I wanted to do? Was it for other reasons? Was I in some odd way thinking I could buy back something I lost, like I tired to do with dishes? I don't know that I have those answers but I think I need to stay put. At least I was smart enough to ask the right questions this time.
As for the need for someone in my life: Yes it would be nice, but I don't need to run out and get tied up with the first person that comes along. While I'd like there to be someone special, I think I don't need to be in any particular hurry for that to happen, either. Sometimes God will put a person in your path that will remind you of that. He did so about an hour or so after I first wrote this. My roommate and I had a talk about that. His ex and their son came over for a swim earlier in the day and that led to a conversation about where both of us are headed in our lives. It's pretty amazing to me that God could put two people who were before complete strangers into a situation where we'd be able to help each other. Our stories are different, to be sure, but they lie along parallel paths. The Oregon thing, I think, is noise. Flashing light noise sometimes, but noise just the same. Oregon isn't going to solve anything for me.
I'm not sure as I said what lies in the future for me. No, KP, Father Coop isn't going to happen anytime soon. Nor is Pastor Dale. Ministry does not always present itself in opportunities in the pulpit. Ministry sometimes involves handing someone you don't know some things from your garden because he asked for it. Or visiting with a friend. Or just by doing your best to live out what Jesus Christ taught. I've written about those opportunities.
As for the past and being a bad guy. Sometimes you have to let go of things and let God sort it out. I'm a product of my environment, I want to work on it myself. That talk with my roomie reminded me that if I do that, where does God's grace fit in? It's time to remember that. You never know what God will do when you ask Him to show up. I asked, and fifteen minutes later God sent the roommate to the front door and a conversation helped light up some things I couldn't see on my own. Time and God's grace are what's required. Nothing I can do or say right now will change anything.
I can, however, learn things. I did today. I had a huge take away from the sermon that I don't think the pastor intended. The sermon was about being a member of the church. My take away is that I have room for improvement there. I need to be more diligent in my prayer life for my pastor, the elders of the church, and the church itself. That was a good reminder. What struck me the hardest is that idea that being a Christian should be about the way I live and I should have to use few words to convince anyone, including those that put me underneath the proverbial black hat. I'm trying. I'm far from there, but I'm sure a lot farther this evening than I was this morning.
The story I talked about to start this out, about the ex's dish collection has a positive side. I'll always remember that large collection of china. It was more than I'll ever need and a plate or a bean pot is a damn poor substitute for a hug, a kiss, and a listening ear. Things are just that; things. Sometimes, things make life easier. Sometimes, through good intentions, they wind up a poor substitute for what's important in life.
As I looked at the stack of dishes sitting there, I had a chance to reflect on why that pile was so big. Each one was purchased for my ex out of love. Buying her stuff was my way of saying "I love you." What she needed and wanted the most was just for me to stop what I was doing and just be there and spend time with her.
She has a pile of things. I have a pile of unkept promises.
On my keychain, I have a little heart that says promise kept. Sometimes I'll look at it and it reminds me that what I do matters more than the things I buy or give away. My time matters; be it with a friend who needs to just chat or just listening to a co-worker with a problem. What I do matters, like mowing the lawn or pulling the weeds in my flower beds. Those things matter to my neighbors. They matter to the community. They matter to God.
We had a sermon today about being a member of the church. Those that don't see me often are left with memories of the man I used to be and know little about the man I choose to be today. Being a better dad, a better neighbor, a better person, those are all choices I can control. I can't undo the past but I don't need to be a slave to it, either.
Sometimes, I think, we can be slaves to our past. I struggle with part of it. Right now, I think the thing I'd like the most is to have someone to share this new life I'm carving out for myself. While I would, I don't think it's a necessary thing. Having said that, though, I could have made it the rest of the night without opening my Bible to John 4:16 at the top of the page. You'd have to read the whole story, not just that particular verse and still then you might not understand. It's just another reminder of things in my life that wind up in the 'could have been' pile. Struggling with loneliness is just something I need to do. But in that struggle, I can control the choices I make. It's like the whole bad guy thing; someone may need me to be their bad guy and there's little I can do to change that.
What I do though is change the way I live my life. I want to get to the point where if people say things about the past me, others will say that it may have once been true, but not anymore. That, too, isn't going to happen overnight, but it is something I can control. Just because someone makes me out to be a bad guy doesn't mean I actually have to BE that person. That's comforting to know.
I took that bit of something out of today's sermon. I'm never going to be perfect, but I can be better. It's better I'm aiming for, one step at a time.
But it's hard, too. I have to be honest about something. I was looking at a little bakery for sale on the Oregon coast. It's something I could have made work in a month or so. I had to look at why I wanted to buy the bakery. Was it because it was something I wanted to do? Was it for other reasons? Was I in some odd way thinking I could buy back something I lost, like I tired to do with dishes? I don't know that I have those answers but I think I need to stay put. At least I was smart enough to ask the right questions this time.
As for the need for someone in my life: Yes it would be nice, but I don't need to run out and get tied up with the first person that comes along. While I'd like there to be someone special, I think I don't need to be in any particular hurry for that to happen, either. Sometimes God will put a person in your path that will remind you of that. He did so about an hour or so after I first wrote this. My roommate and I had a talk about that. His ex and their son came over for a swim earlier in the day and that led to a conversation about where both of us are headed in our lives. It's pretty amazing to me that God could put two people who were before complete strangers into a situation where we'd be able to help each other. Our stories are different, to be sure, but they lie along parallel paths. The Oregon thing, I think, is noise. Flashing light noise sometimes, but noise just the same. Oregon isn't going to solve anything for me.
I'm not sure as I said what lies in the future for me. No, KP, Father Coop isn't going to happen anytime soon. Nor is Pastor Dale. Ministry does not always present itself in opportunities in the pulpit. Ministry sometimes involves handing someone you don't know some things from your garden because he asked for it. Or visiting with a friend. Or just by doing your best to live out what Jesus Christ taught. I've written about those opportunities.
As for the past and being a bad guy. Sometimes you have to let go of things and let God sort it out. I'm a product of my environment, I want to work on it myself. That talk with my roomie reminded me that if I do that, where does God's grace fit in? It's time to remember that. You never know what God will do when you ask Him to show up. I asked, and fifteen minutes later God sent the roommate to the front door and a conversation helped light up some things I couldn't see on my own. Time and God's grace are what's required. Nothing I can do or say right now will change anything.
I can, however, learn things. I did today. I had a huge take away from the sermon that I don't think the pastor intended. The sermon was about being a member of the church. My take away is that I have room for improvement there. I need to be more diligent in my prayer life for my pastor, the elders of the church, and the church itself. That was a good reminder. What struck me the hardest is that idea that being a Christian should be about the way I live and I should have to use few words to convince anyone, including those that put me underneath the proverbial black hat. I'm trying. I'm far from there, but I'm sure a lot farther this evening than I was this morning.
The story I talked about to start this out, about the ex's dish collection has a positive side. I'll always remember that large collection of china. It was more than I'll ever need and a plate or a bean pot is a damn poor substitute for a hug, a kiss, and a listening ear. Things are just that; things. Sometimes, things make life easier. Sometimes, through good intentions, they wind up a poor substitute for what's important in life.
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