Curve ball
For Christmas in 2009, I received a coffee cup with a picture of Charlie Brown pitching and the words "Curve Ball" inscribed on the cup.
It would be a forerunner to what my life would look like in six weeks; job gone for the worst job in aviation, wife gone for another, business gone. The only thing I had left was the house. I'd lost everything, but a few weeks later, I'd be found by Jesus. I had to lose my life to find it.
Interesting concept. But the words "curve ball" kind of seemed to me to be a foreboding warning of things coming out of left field. The cup cracked and I don't know if I still have it or not, but the warning kind of stuck with me and when I think of those words, it brings a little anxiety to life.
I saw those words again on a license plate at the Smith's on Saturday afternoon. Saturday evening, I ran into Wendi in my driveway. I hate that just for this reason: She'd picked June up for the first time in I don't know how long, and she thinks I stalk her anyway. I don't want her thinking I was waiting for her to show up so I could just walk out the door and see her. It wasn't a pleasant experience for me, but I managed to say "hi Wendi" before I drove off.
No reason not to be nice.
I came home and found a sprinkler head that wasn't popping up. As I tried to fix it, I got stung by a bee.
I got stung by another one when I mowed the lawn yesterday.
Saturday Cindy asked me to change the oil in her truck. Sunday morning she said she couldn't come. Sunday evening she wanted me to run her some beer up. Sunday night, she told me to move on.
I can only take so much. That was so much.
So this morning, I deleted pictures, texts, messages, and everything else. I'll change my Facebook privacy settings so the whole world can't see what I'm doing because the only person in the whole world doesn't care to have me in her life again.
Moving on isn't all that hard. There's a reason I didn't want her in my life and although I've outgrown that reason....OK, those reasons....I still have to respect her wishes. I know she's told me that at least two dozen times, but this time the choices of words were such that I expect she means it.
I'm still allowing room for God's will in this matter, but letting go seems to be a healthy choice for my own sanity which has been taking a beating lately. I have this magnet in me that seems to attract crazy. I'm needing a break from crazy.
The thing too is this: I'm still convinced that God led me here. I mean that. I can't explain these things any other way. I'm sitting in a room I can't explain why got redecorated other than her family was coming here. I can't explain that either. Nor can I explain the "dog" Christmas decoration or any of the other odd things that seem to run in circles in my life.
Today, the things that reminded me of Cindy have been moved. I still have to figure out what to do with a fishing pole, but other things will find new homes tomorrow.
Apparently letting go wasn't the challenge I thought it was gonna be. Two years of this is enough.
Maybe.
As for me though, I need a small bit of normal. I mean that. I have Tami Jo's cat still. She needs to go. Wendi's mom is gonna be going soon. Cindy's stuff needs to go and I need to do something else.
I need to rest in God's love which is what someone told me yesterday.
I'm finding it easier to do today because I don't have to worry about something and how it's gonna end.
It did. And about how you'd expect.
It would be a forerunner to what my life would look like in six weeks; job gone for the worst job in aviation, wife gone for another, business gone. The only thing I had left was the house. I'd lost everything, but a few weeks later, I'd be found by Jesus. I had to lose my life to find it.
Interesting concept. But the words "curve ball" kind of seemed to me to be a foreboding warning of things coming out of left field. The cup cracked and I don't know if I still have it or not, but the warning kind of stuck with me and when I think of those words, it brings a little anxiety to life.
I saw those words again on a license plate at the Smith's on Saturday afternoon. Saturday evening, I ran into Wendi in my driveway. I hate that just for this reason: She'd picked June up for the first time in I don't know how long, and she thinks I stalk her anyway. I don't want her thinking I was waiting for her to show up so I could just walk out the door and see her. It wasn't a pleasant experience for me, but I managed to say "hi Wendi" before I drove off.
No reason not to be nice.
I came home and found a sprinkler head that wasn't popping up. As I tried to fix it, I got stung by a bee.
I got stung by another one when I mowed the lawn yesterday.
Saturday Cindy asked me to change the oil in her truck. Sunday morning she said she couldn't come. Sunday evening she wanted me to run her some beer up. Sunday night, she told me to move on.
I can only take so much. That was so much.
So this morning, I deleted pictures, texts, messages, and everything else. I'll change my Facebook privacy settings so the whole world can't see what I'm doing because the only person in the whole world doesn't care to have me in her life again.
Moving on isn't all that hard. There's a reason I didn't want her in my life and although I've outgrown that reason....OK, those reasons....I still have to respect her wishes. I know she's told me that at least two dozen times, but this time the choices of words were such that I expect she means it.
I'm still allowing room for God's will in this matter, but letting go seems to be a healthy choice for my own sanity which has been taking a beating lately. I have this magnet in me that seems to attract crazy. I'm needing a break from crazy.
The thing too is this: I'm still convinced that God led me here. I mean that. I can't explain these things any other way. I'm sitting in a room I can't explain why got redecorated other than her family was coming here. I can't explain that either. Nor can I explain the "dog" Christmas decoration or any of the other odd things that seem to run in circles in my life.
Today, the things that reminded me of Cindy have been moved. I still have to figure out what to do with a fishing pole, but other things will find new homes tomorrow.
Apparently letting go wasn't the challenge I thought it was gonna be. Two years of this is enough.
Maybe.
As for me though, I need a small bit of normal. I mean that. I have Tami Jo's cat still. She needs to go. Wendi's mom is gonna be going soon. Cindy's stuff needs to go and I need to do something else.
I need to rest in God's love which is what someone told me yesterday.
I'm finding it easier to do today because I don't have to worry about something and how it's gonna end.
It did. And about how you'd expect.
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