A public apology

Dear Wendi,

For the things I said about you on the blog that were noone's business but ours, I apologize.  For the things I did to destroy our marriage, there aren't words to describe the sorrow I feel for them.  I do own them, I take full responsibility for them, and I have tried to fix them.

I've explained my reasons for saying what I did, but those reasons don't justify the outcome which was one where I shamed and humiliated you.  Intent means nothing when that was the result, and for that too, I apologize.  Talk is cheap, Wendi, I know, so I'd invite you to look through the archives of the blog.  When you are mentioned, it's positive, on in passing to tell a story.  Often times, you'll find the stories full of holes because I learned enough from that experience; in that the details that would make a story better aren't there.  I sincerely believe the best apology I could give you would be one where contrition is shown, not said, and I have tried to do that.

I was a great boyfriend to you, but not much of a husband, looking back.  I was into things that I had no business being into and have freely admitted that.  I took something you said in anger literally and that's the day I quit trying.  I did what I always did and for that, too, I'm sorry.  I had no clue about God back then, other than who I thought He was.  I didn't understand what value He places on marriage, and I didn't learn what the most important thing you were trying to teach me was until it was too late.  Sorrow is too small a word for what I feel about this.  Shame would come close, but again, it's too small a word.

I want you to know that, Bob.  More than sorrow, I'm ashamed of  myself for my part in this.  

I owe you thanks, too, Wendi, for my life.  If you hadn't put that plaque in the hallway, I wouldn't have kneeled, found Christ, and changed my life.  Those changes haven't been easy, nor have I been perfect.  But I work on them.  I even acknowledged the epic fail I had during our last conversation on my blog because I learned something from it.  No, I'm not perfect.  But in my own way, I do try.  When everything  happened with the blog in the early days, I had some very misconstrued ideas about who God was.  I thought in those days that being a Christian meant you believed in Jesus, went to church, and threw some money in a plate.  God didn't fit into the box I put Him in, and He used that whole thing to teach me some very important lessons.  I think if you look back on the I hate coop thingie, you'll see the day I came to that realization.

I want to say something else to you, Wendi, publicly.  The most important thing I learned from you is that you love people and use things.  For most of my life, I had this so backwards.  You tired and tried to make me see that, but it took all of this to learn that lesson.  Thank you for that.

It took me losing you Wendi, to realize what love is, what marriage ought to be, and that in the end I loved you more than I could find my own words to express.  The words exist and they're not far from you.  I heard these words for the very first time on a sunny fall day in 2006.  I sat through them in a sermon the Sunday before last and as I heard them again, spoken by the same man, they cut me to the core.  

And no matter how many times I tried, I could never find the right words to use to apologize to you for not showing you that every minute we were together.

Your Husband, 

Dale