Am I nuts?

I think a lot of my friends are quietly (and some not so quietly) questioning my judgment these days.  I do things that aren't necessarily prudent.  I think some think I'm living under this delusion that if this or that happens in my life, that everything will be OK.  From an outsider looking in, I think I'd even question some of the things going on in my life right now, so I wanted to take the time to address this.

My mother hit me with this:  You need to start taking care of you.  True, to a certain extent.  From a certain point-of-view, maybe I'm not.  The road trip is a prime example.  I could have spent the money on other things, like a new set of tires for my truck that I absolutely have to have.  I'm down to driving my truck right now and the first time that truck sees snow, I'm as good as dead if I'm driving it the way it is.  Only by the grace of God am I not being remembered with a little cross on the side of I-80, and for something that most of the people I know think was nothing more than a "fool's errand".

Wendi thinks I'm not exactly right.  For a time I wasn't.  I had the "mid-life crisis".  I'm over it.  I was smart enough to take Wendi's own advice and seek help to fix the things I needed to.  Thanks to her, I had the good people in my life to help me when I needed it most.

Some think I'm suffering this huge delusion about my marriage.  I'm not.  What I did do though, was stop tonight and think about the question:  Am I nuts?

I have a ready answer to this question, but it's going to take you to do some homework.  I had a tough, expensive day.  The details don't matter.  The people that need to know them do.  I'm not feeling very well to top it off.  About an hour ago, I was freezing.  The house is a balmy 70 degrees but I couldn't get warm all of a sudden, so I took a hot bath.  I took my Bible with me and asked the Lord for a little inspiration on this cold November night.  I randomly opened my Bible to Romans 7:14.  A bit of reading  through the passage and I'm assured that the answer to the question is this:

NO.

I'm not nuts.

I drove 3400 miles to take Wendi some things that I could have mailed her a check for.  I didn't do it for any other reason than those things meant something to her and it meant something to me to make sure she got them back.  The cheapest way I could do that was to do what I did.  The timing sucked, but hey, you work with what you have to work with.  There were no conditions on the offer.  It was made, and accepted on the value of what it was.  I didn't go to Indiana expecting anything.  It didn't surprise me that I came home alone, but by the same token it wouldn't have surprised me if I wouldn't have either.  I wasn't under any delusions.  It was just the right thing to do.  Maybe it wasn't the smartest thing I could have done.  It certainly wasn't the cheapest.  There were a few risks involved.  In the end, though, I made the right decision and made it for the right reasons.

With regard to my marriage, I think some don't understand why I don't just cut my losses.  Maybe at some point, it'll get to that point. For now, I know that trying to sort things out may not be the wise thing to do, in conventional terms; or a choice anybody in their so-called "right mind" would make.  Trying everything I can to work things out, given the circumstances, especially, certainly isn't the popular choice.  It's not expedient, nor convenient.  I certainly agree that from the outside looking in, it doesn't appear that I'm in my "right mind".  What kind of idiot couldn't see that writing on the wall?  Maybe I'm not so busy looking for the big thing staring me in the face.  Maybe, just maybe, I'm adding up all the little signs along the way.

So, again, am I nuts?

Same answer:  No, no I'm not.

I've been listening to this pastor on the radio and lately he's been talking about making the most out of a bad decision.  I made a bad one, to be sure.  But God, as the pastor said, deals with us where we are, not where we wish we were.  In the circumstances God found me in, I'm married.  Knowing what I did at the time, I figured I wouldn't be for very long, and knowing what you do about my life, I'd lay down a paycheck betting that I couldn't find 3 other readers of my blog who'd even entertain trying to salvage something out of the trainwreck mine is right now.  And just as God accepted me where he found me, I kind of have to accept Wendi where she's at.  Legally, morally, Wendi is my wife.  I may have forgotten that because I assumed that the end of this was clear, given the circumstances.  HOWEVER, I have enough fear of the Lord to listen to Him when he's trying to tell me things.  His view on the matter of divorce is quite clear.  As I read through the Bible, His views on a LOT of things are quite clear.  The only thing that's unclear is what happens in my life tomorrow or the next day.  The really neat thing about this is that every day is a brand new adventure.  Good or bad, I never know what's going to happen next.

I've shared enough of the random things that have happened in my life lately to let you know God is at work in my life.  I asked Him Sunday when I got home:  "Where do we go from here?"  The next day I had an e-mail with that answer.  I'm on the path I need to be on.  I can't elaborate more than that, but again, the people that need to know, do know.

Friends, if you can't see God working in my life and not believe He's in control of the show right now, I don't know what I can do or say to convince you that He exists.  I've talked a lot about this because I think too often, we as humans, are expecting the BIG miracles and are too busy to see the small ones that happen every day.  I share the small ones with you in the hope that you'll take that minute to open the Bible.  Read that chapter from Romans.  Maybe it'll be that "I get it now" moment and it'll make you read a little more.  Think about it:  I have every reason to be filled with hate.  I should be angry and my heart is filled with joy.  Some days, like today, I get discouraged because something happened, but when I look back on it, I realize it's all for the greater good.  Just another step on the journey.

So, let me reassure you... no I'm not nuts.  I'm fine.  I can accept whatever lies down my path with grace because Grace was given to me.  I'm merely following the path I strongly believe God is leading me down.  I have faith.  I trust in Jesus and that He'll be there to light the way and to catch me if I stumble.  That's where I'm at gang.  No delusions, no allusions, no artificial reality.  Just a walk with Jesus down a path with an uncertain end, one step, one day at a time.

Things in Ogden are fine.  The color of the sky in my world is the same as it is in yours.  It rained here today.  And, I'm not crazy.  I just live by some different rules than you may be used to me living by.  I have a better future because of this.  I just have to get through the trials, and I do, day by day.