Finding "yes" in a mine field of no
I picked up a book that I've been trying to read for about six months or so. It's about finding your yes. Before I couldn't get into it, but I thought yesterday was a good day to start trying to figure it out.
It seems that no matter where I turn in that search for the elusive "yes", I find myself in a minefield of what my "no's" are.
For so long now, I've defined myself and my yes to be this Don Quixote struggle to fix something that I kind of took responsibility for breaking. Now that's fixed, finally, by breaking it to smithereens. I know that doesn't make much sense, but let's just say that sometimes you can't see the forest for the trees and I do still believe God put me here to teach me a few things while I was on the journey.
To nowhere. (pardon the pun). But not to nowhere at the same time.
It might sound like there's a bit of remorse in saying that but just the opposite would be true. I feel like a huge burden has been lifted from me; or as the song lyric says (and I heard this played in church today and heard the song itself on the radio today) "my chains are gone, I've been set free..." It's just another in the long list of "no".
So off to find yes.
Part of the yes, the book says is to find who you are. Boy that's a good question these days, because like I said before, who I am is defined by what I've been doing for the last two and a half years and if I had to answer the question, "Who am I?", I'm not sure how to start to answer that question.
So I started to look at what's made me the happiest since becoming a Christian and sadly, those answers come attached to another no. Those happy thoughts were listening to a friend sing in church; spending Saturday nights at a Bible study and worship in a small town in Colorado, and reading the Bible together. All admirable things, but not the way I did them. But it was nice to share that part of being a Christian with someone.
It's from those experiences that I drew that burning desire to be that godly Christian man that I so want to be. I don't think the want to be that kind of a man is wrong; it was the other stuff going on that was.
Again, I don't think it was wrong to invest the time and energy I did into trying to save what wasn't there to be saved and in hindsight, I'm not so sure I'd have tried so hard if those experiences hadn't meant so much to me.
I think that's part of it. Not all of it, but part of it.
So back to finding my yes. It might be that no matter how much I want those things, that ship may have sailed for me. After all, I've had three tries to get it right and I've blown all three of those. The person who showed me the importance of those things is at the top of my "NO" (yup, capital letters on that one) list. But in answering some of those questions about who I am and what makes me happy I had to deal with those.
Also in the minefield of no are the things that drove me to the mess I was in. Those are still no for me and I'm not one bit interested in reviving those nos. It's been a crazy journey but I do know that those no's are for my benefit and life with those no's not limiting me but guiding me, which is a better frame of reference for those things, is far superior than it's ever been.
Even with the things I thought would happen not coming to fruition.
So in forming the answer to the question who I am, I can preface the answer to that question with "I'm not who I was.". That's a good thing. I still have the good qualities I used to have. I've at times put others before me and I do that far more these days than I used to. I like to be like that. I'm more giving and sharing than I've ever been. Those are good qualities that have been developed through this mess.
I'm more thankful and grateful than I've ever been in my life. That's a good thing too, and I think those things define an answer to who I am. In a lot of ways, despite being a work in progress, I'm on my way to being that godly man. I still have a lot to offer and I still have the talents God gave me and as time goes on, I'm sure God will show me what He would have me do with those talents.
It's been an interesting day. I feel great and I'm excited in moving in a direction other than circular. But at the same time, I can't help but reflect on what that direction is because for all the searching, I have no idea what my "yes' is.
It seems that no matter where I turn in that search for the elusive "yes", I find myself in a minefield of what my "no's" are.
For so long now, I've defined myself and my yes to be this Don Quixote struggle to fix something that I kind of took responsibility for breaking. Now that's fixed, finally, by breaking it to smithereens. I know that doesn't make much sense, but let's just say that sometimes you can't see the forest for the trees and I do still believe God put me here to teach me a few things while I was on the journey.
To nowhere. (pardon the pun). But not to nowhere at the same time.
It might sound like there's a bit of remorse in saying that but just the opposite would be true. I feel like a huge burden has been lifted from me; or as the song lyric says (and I heard this played in church today and heard the song itself on the radio today) "my chains are gone, I've been set free..." It's just another in the long list of "no".
So off to find yes.
Part of the yes, the book says is to find who you are. Boy that's a good question these days, because like I said before, who I am is defined by what I've been doing for the last two and a half years and if I had to answer the question, "Who am I?", I'm not sure how to start to answer that question.
So I started to look at what's made me the happiest since becoming a Christian and sadly, those answers come attached to another no. Those happy thoughts were listening to a friend sing in church; spending Saturday nights at a Bible study and worship in a small town in Colorado, and reading the Bible together. All admirable things, but not the way I did them. But it was nice to share that part of being a Christian with someone.
It's from those experiences that I drew that burning desire to be that godly Christian man that I so want to be. I don't think the want to be that kind of a man is wrong; it was the other stuff going on that was.
Again, I don't think it was wrong to invest the time and energy I did into trying to save what wasn't there to be saved and in hindsight, I'm not so sure I'd have tried so hard if those experiences hadn't meant so much to me.
I think that's part of it. Not all of it, but part of it.
So back to finding my yes. It might be that no matter how much I want those things, that ship may have sailed for me. After all, I've had three tries to get it right and I've blown all three of those. The person who showed me the importance of those things is at the top of my "NO" (yup, capital letters on that one) list. But in answering some of those questions about who I am and what makes me happy I had to deal with those.
Also in the minefield of no are the things that drove me to the mess I was in. Those are still no for me and I'm not one bit interested in reviving those nos. It's been a crazy journey but I do know that those no's are for my benefit and life with those no's not limiting me but guiding me, which is a better frame of reference for those things, is far superior than it's ever been.
Even with the things I thought would happen not coming to fruition.
So in forming the answer to the question who I am, I can preface the answer to that question with "I'm not who I was.". That's a good thing. I still have the good qualities I used to have. I've at times put others before me and I do that far more these days than I used to. I like to be like that. I'm more giving and sharing than I've ever been. Those are good qualities that have been developed through this mess.
I'm more thankful and grateful than I've ever been in my life. That's a good thing too, and I think those things define an answer to who I am. In a lot of ways, despite being a work in progress, I'm on my way to being that godly man. I still have a lot to offer and I still have the talents God gave me and as time goes on, I'm sure God will show me what He would have me do with those talents.
It's been an interesting day. I feel great and I'm excited in moving in a direction other than circular. But at the same time, I can't help but reflect on what that direction is because for all the searching, I have no idea what my "yes' is.
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