Facing reality
Sometimes you can hope for the best, want to do the right things for the right reasons, and still have things not go your way. It's just life. I spent most of my morning coming to terms with the end of my relationship with Wendi and wondering where I go from here.
Wendi and I both agree that the house has to go. I just can't afford it on my own and we're aggressively looking for a buyer. I realize too that because of the situation I put myself in that bankruptcy is looking more and more like a reality. I just can't take care of everything by myself. It's tough coming to terms with that.
It's scary coming to terms with that. I was looking today on craigslist for an apartment or a small house to rent. With the way my credit is, finding a decent place is going to be next to impossible in the world we live in today. If it were just me, I'd probably be OK but I have the dog to think about, too and I don't know what's going to happen to her. Lots of people want me to sign up for this e-mail listing or that one about renting places. I don't want to do that, either.
I just don't know. It's scary not knowing what to do. Then there's the challenge of meeting someone new at 46. I was thinking about this, too. It's scary facing the possibility of being alone. A quick browse of the craigslist personals wasn't a real morale booster, either. I quickly found out I'm too old to meet most of the women and after reading just a couple of these ads, I found out these aren't women I'd want to meet in the first place. Sad but true, I'm really looking at being alone for the very first time in my life and that kind of frightens me.
I'm 46 and when I look back at how things have transpired over the last year, up to and including a little side trip to my past with the wife, I realize how much I've lost, just how much I loved my wife, and how I never showed her. Those are also hard things to come to terms with. I can't pretend to understand how things have worked out this way, but they are, unfortunately, the realities of my new life.
It's hard because I know how much I've changed but it's tough selling that to someone. I think in part it's a hard sell because I still have room for improvement. I'm not perfect but I'm working on being better. And as scary as this all is, if Wendi were to come back into my life, that brings a whole different set of circumstances that are frightening. I'm 46 and I'd be raising a baby. It's something I could do, but I don't pretend it would've been easy. Working on that relationship would've been hard work and I was willing to do it, but it's frightening because there aren't any guarantees that even if we tried, things would be any different than they are today. I've accepted things and I'm at peace with whatever life brings me but it doesn't make me any less sad than I was they day she walked out the door almost a year ago. Valentine's day coming up just makes the memories more vivid and it's not been a good day. I'm OK, but I'm extremely sad.
And as sad as I am, I still find comfort in my faith. And this morning, I realized that no matter what possessions I lose, I'll always have two things that nobody can never take away from me. I have my faith and all the blessings that come with it, and I have my love for Wendi. Although it's no longer returned, it's something I can hold dear to me for the rest of my life. Silently, of course, but nonetheless still there.
Some sins have a high price. My inability to show my wife I loved her and my inability to remain faithful to her; regardless of the reasons, will ultimately cost me everything I have. That's a hard pill to swallow.
It cost me everything to find out that deep down, I really want to be the guy I am these days. In time, as I grow past this, I know the Lord has a plan for me that will provide me with the things I need. I'm going to take this time to be alone, to not try and replace Wendi but to properly get past having her in my life. For once, I'm not going to run to the next relationship. I learned that lesson too, along the way. Thankfully, I'm not really going through this alone and God has given me the grace and wisdom to understand this: Jesus will be there with me every step of the way.
And that knowledge, brothers and sisters, brings me great joy.
Wendi and I both agree that the house has to go. I just can't afford it on my own and we're aggressively looking for a buyer. I realize too that because of the situation I put myself in that bankruptcy is looking more and more like a reality. I just can't take care of everything by myself. It's tough coming to terms with that.
It's scary coming to terms with that. I was looking today on craigslist for an apartment or a small house to rent. With the way my credit is, finding a decent place is going to be next to impossible in the world we live in today. If it were just me, I'd probably be OK but I have the dog to think about, too and I don't know what's going to happen to her. Lots of people want me to sign up for this e-mail listing or that one about renting places. I don't want to do that, either.
I just don't know. It's scary not knowing what to do. Then there's the challenge of meeting someone new at 46. I was thinking about this, too. It's scary facing the possibility of being alone. A quick browse of the craigslist personals wasn't a real morale booster, either. I quickly found out I'm too old to meet most of the women and after reading just a couple of these ads, I found out these aren't women I'd want to meet in the first place. Sad but true, I'm really looking at being alone for the very first time in my life and that kind of frightens me.
I'm 46 and when I look back at how things have transpired over the last year, up to and including a little side trip to my past with the wife, I realize how much I've lost, just how much I loved my wife, and how I never showed her. Those are also hard things to come to terms with. I can't pretend to understand how things have worked out this way, but they are, unfortunately, the realities of my new life.
It's hard because I know how much I've changed but it's tough selling that to someone. I think in part it's a hard sell because I still have room for improvement. I'm not perfect but I'm working on being better. And as scary as this all is, if Wendi were to come back into my life, that brings a whole different set of circumstances that are frightening. I'm 46 and I'd be raising a baby. It's something I could do, but I don't pretend it would've been easy. Working on that relationship would've been hard work and I was willing to do it, but it's frightening because there aren't any guarantees that even if we tried, things would be any different than they are today. I've accepted things and I'm at peace with whatever life brings me but it doesn't make me any less sad than I was they day she walked out the door almost a year ago. Valentine's day coming up just makes the memories more vivid and it's not been a good day. I'm OK, but I'm extremely sad.
And as sad as I am, I still find comfort in my faith. And this morning, I realized that no matter what possessions I lose, I'll always have two things that nobody can never take away from me. I have my faith and all the blessings that come with it, and I have my love for Wendi. Although it's no longer returned, it's something I can hold dear to me for the rest of my life. Silently, of course, but nonetheless still there.
Some sins have a high price. My inability to show my wife I loved her and my inability to remain faithful to her; regardless of the reasons, will ultimately cost me everything I have. That's a hard pill to swallow.
It cost me everything to find out that deep down, I really want to be the guy I am these days. In time, as I grow past this, I know the Lord has a plan for me that will provide me with the things I need. I'm going to take this time to be alone, to not try and replace Wendi but to properly get past having her in my life. For once, I'm not going to run to the next relationship. I learned that lesson too, along the way. Thankfully, I'm not really going through this alone and God has given me the grace and wisdom to understand this: Jesus will be there with me every step of the way.
And that knowledge, brothers and sisters, brings me great joy.
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