That was yesterday
editorial note: I have Wendi's permission to share this with you. I added just a line or two after she read it.
I touched on this yesterday because, well, for a little bit, I was kind of afraid of what the future holds for me. But that was yesterday.
I often talk about what God does in my life and today's yet another example of this. Yesterday I was fairly certain that my future was going to be one where Wendi wasn't a part of my life and I was a bit afraid of what life would hold for me and the spirit of God touched my heart sometime last night, in of all places, while I was working inside a fuel tank on an airplane.
I have nothing to fear because of God's promise contained in Jeremiah. He knows the plans He has for me, and in that little bit of wisdom, there is a great deal of comfort.
I began to realize that whatever God has in store for me, it's going to be pretty good. As I walked out of the hangar at lunch, it was with a bit of confidence that had been missing earlier. There was a radio program on at my lunch hour I wanted to hear but our boss gave us a few extra minutes for lunch (something completely out of character for him) so I got to the car just a few minutes before the program started and what I heard on the radio last night, well, the only way I can describe it was that it was like He was speaking directly to me.
Today, friends, I'm not afraid. I remembered I'm not alone. Jesus is always there with me, even in days like yesterday, when I was sad and joyful at the same time. I don't know nor can I pretend to understand what God's plan for me is, but last night He reminded me that He has one and that I need to trust Him. Along that line, I had a chance to share some things with Wendi this morning and I am thankful for that opportunity.
What happens now is beyond anything I can do or say. I can't control other people and I don't want to try. I can't be who I used to be, which is something important for my friends to know, too. The man I was is dead and I'm a brand new person. I have different thoughts, different wants, different opinions. I don't view things from a worldly perspective anymore. I can't be the man who lives his job, thinks only of himself, and does whatever he wants, damn the consequences.
It's a tough sell sometimes, to convince people of that. It can't be done over the phone. I can't do it on my blog. You have to see it every day to know that, and only the people I work with these days and a select few others get to see those changes. I don't see most of you because I work nights. I'll see some of you in two weeks and then you can judge for yourself whether or not the changes I've made are for the better.
The wife reads my blog from time to time and I try these days to keep private matters private, but out of respect for my wife, out of this amazing love I've found for her, I need to talk about her today for just a minute, because most of the people that read the blog are friends of ours.
Here's what I want to say about my wife. In trying to pass along information to her last fall, I made her out to be something she's not. I was wrong for doing that. All Wendi wanted to do was spend the rest of her life with me, which until we got married, was pretty good. Nobody saw me at home with her, withdrawn, sitting on the couch because my life wasn't Wendi, it was my stupid job. Nobody heard the things, hurtful things I said to her when I cheated on her. Nobody saw me living in another part of the house after she came back home because I couldn't live with the shame of what I'd done to her and not knowing I was doing more harm than good by doing this. I couldn't see it myself but it's no excuse and no way to live. I never respected Wendi as my wife until she decided to come home after my affair.
In that moment, my wife taught me what love is. And as I came to Christ, through all the things I've been through, I understand more about what marriage is, what love is, than I ever knew before. Wendi is not a choice, she's not a back-up plan. Wendi is a terrific woman, a wonderful friend, a beautiful mother of a beautiful baby boy, and she deserved better than what I gave her.
I need to explain to my friends this, too, but mostly for Wendi's understanding. If I tell it only to her, then it's a promise that may be empty. If I tell it to the world, then maybe the world will help me live up to my words and certainly call me out when I don't. I want to say this again, because it's important: Wendi is not a choice. She's not a back-up plan. She's not me running to my past because I'm afraid of the future. What she is, is my wife. What she deserved from me is unconditional love, respect, honor, honesty and fidelity. She deserved my help, my patience, and my support. When you saw me give her those things, and I did to some degree, was me giving her what I did with the expectation that I was to get what I wanted in return. I put a price on our relationship because I wanted all the toys, the big house, this and that material thing. I wanted to do what I wanted to do.
What Wendi got was a huge house that she had to take care of and me not respecting she did. She got a spendthrift husband who couldn't look past today to plan for tomorrow. She got a man, a worldly man. What she needed was a godly man. She needed the man to stand by her when it got hard. She needed the man who was willing to put her needs ahead of his. She needed the man to answer the phone because she was lonely and missing him without worrying about how much that little bit of reassurance was costing him. That makes me sick about me... and Wendi, I'm sorry for that too. I loved hearing from her every day. I'm blessed I was in a place that others would have loved to be, damn the cost of the call. I'm sorry about that. I truly an.
I need my friends to know that I had a side you didn't see at work. Wendi was kind enough to not show it or share it with too many people, a courtesy I did not repay her. For every bad thing that happened, there are a thousand little things that you never heard about that were fantastic. Unfortunately, that scorecard is extremely lopsided and I want our friends to know that, too.
This is a sort of love letter to my wife. I don't give a damn about what people think of me, but it's important for me to start to undo some of the damage from the past. Wendi's reputation took a big hit because some things that were better left private I made very public. I'm taking the opportunity to apologize for that. Wendi inside is still that same loving, wonderful person who we all knew, and God willing, there may be a way in the future for her to be a part of our lives again.
That's going to take a ton of work on my part. It's going to take a HUGE leap of faith on her part because the Dale that she knows is the one she doesn't want in her life. Sometimes a little bit of that old person comes out in conversation and I'm trying to find tools to deal with the issues that cause that to happen. I need to for our friends on both sides to understand this, too. If, and it's a rather large, almost insurmountable if, Wendi takes that leap of faith, we're going to need all the help we can get. We're going to need our friends more than ever. We'll need your prayers, your support, your understanding. We can't be the people that live in Idaho that you never see. We'll need our friends in our lives, so if Wendi and I are able to move into the future together, it's important you come see us once in a while. Wendi's an awesome cook, I promise she'll feed you well and you can play with Wyatt, who by the way is so stinkin' cute it ain't even funny!
Wendi asked me today how I saw our lives and I need to tell you that we need our friends. What our home always was missing was a house full of people hanging out, enjoying some beers and some good cooking. That needs to change and we need your help to make that happen. What we also need you to do is something hard. We need you to not feel uncomfortable around us. It's like this: If Wendi can forgive me and I can forgive her, we need our friends to forgive us.
I thought about the above question a little more than I had time to share with Wendi on the phone today. I see our life together in ways I never thought I would. I see trips to the zoo, to the aviary, to the park. I see the joy of a little boy catching his first fish. I see building a swingset. I see so much of life now in a million different ways. I see Wendi as a stay at home mom, making birthday cakes and doing the occasional wedding from home. I see her making me repaint the house (wherever we land) every couple of years. I see her doing crafts, making scrapbooks and taking a thousand pictures a week. I see her being the room mom at Wyatt's school so he's never too far out of sight. Wendi is a water baby and I see us at the beach often. There will be camping trips, trips to Yellowstone. Thank God, that there are some things Wendi and I did that will always be just ours. There will be a Disneyland trips and Wyatt will wonder why his mom and I are having more fun than he is.
I make no illusions about how hard it will be to get there. I'll need to help Wendi every day put the past behind us. I'll need to stand there for every bad word, every hurt feeling, every question. I'll need to face tears, long nights, separate bedrooms to start out with, and a realization that I lost two wonderful years with this woman because I made a stupid, selfish choice. I'm willing to accept what comes from that choice. I'll need my friends then and Wendi will need hers, to stand by us, not to judge, not to say this or that, but to offer encouragement and to just listen.
One other point Wendi made to me was that she tried to stay in Ogden but it didn't work out. God led her back east, back home, and that, I explained to her was an answer to my prayer, too. Truly it was a blessing because if she hadn't, there wouldn't have been a road trip in November to take her things to her. There wouldn't have been the New Year's Eve visit. There wouldn't have been last weekend, which wasn't by any means perfect but it was a start. I would have never met and fallen in love with Wyatt. God put her where she needed to be so He could open the doors I never could have if she'd have stayed in Ogden, to show her I'm committed to her and to us and I praise Him for that opportunity. Talk is cheap. When you have to sacrifice for someone else, that says a little bit more than words ever could. Saying it is one thing, showing it is another and I hope this blog does both.
As I said, there's only a small chance that Wendi will actually come home. She doesn't see me & happy in the same way she once did. It will take a long time, I think, to help her make that connection. I understand that and enter into this next phase of our relationship knowing full well that the result may not be the one I hope and pray for. All I can do is just pledge to be the best long distance absentee husband I can be.
What I'm hoping today though is that you, the reader, take this away from my story. I need to publicly acknowledge how I treated Wendi and that she's a wonderful human being. I need to put myself on the line for my responsibility in destroying that relationship. I need you all to know that I've accepted my faults and tried to fix them. There is work to be done. If I say it to Wendi, it's just talk. If I say it to you, to the world, before all of you, and God Almighty, then it's not. I need our friends to know that we need you. We can't do this alone. We won't be alone. But it's my hope, it's my sincere hope that by saying these things out loud that I'm able to show Wendi yet again that I'm ready and willing to be the man she needs me to be.
I can't be the man of the past. That was yesterday. I'm looking to tomorrow and the life I can try to give her. It won't be easy but point out to me one thing in life that's worth having that ever is.
I touched on this yesterday because, well, for a little bit, I was kind of afraid of what the future holds for me. But that was yesterday.
I often talk about what God does in my life and today's yet another example of this. Yesterday I was fairly certain that my future was going to be one where Wendi wasn't a part of my life and I was a bit afraid of what life would hold for me and the spirit of God touched my heart sometime last night, in of all places, while I was working inside a fuel tank on an airplane.
I have nothing to fear because of God's promise contained in Jeremiah. He knows the plans He has for me, and in that little bit of wisdom, there is a great deal of comfort.
I began to realize that whatever God has in store for me, it's going to be pretty good. As I walked out of the hangar at lunch, it was with a bit of confidence that had been missing earlier. There was a radio program on at my lunch hour I wanted to hear but our boss gave us a few extra minutes for lunch (something completely out of character for him) so I got to the car just a few minutes before the program started and what I heard on the radio last night, well, the only way I can describe it was that it was like He was speaking directly to me.
Today, friends, I'm not afraid. I remembered I'm not alone. Jesus is always there with me, even in days like yesterday, when I was sad and joyful at the same time. I don't know nor can I pretend to understand what God's plan for me is, but last night He reminded me that He has one and that I need to trust Him. Along that line, I had a chance to share some things with Wendi this morning and I am thankful for that opportunity.
What happens now is beyond anything I can do or say. I can't control other people and I don't want to try. I can't be who I used to be, which is something important for my friends to know, too. The man I was is dead and I'm a brand new person. I have different thoughts, different wants, different opinions. I don't view things from a worldly perspective anymore. I can't be the man who lives his job, thinks only of himself, and does whatever he wants, damn the consequences.
It's a tough sell sometimes, to convince people of that. It can't be done over the phone. I can't do it on my blog. You have to see it every day to know that, and only the people I work with these days and a select few others get to see those changes. I don't see most of you because I work nights. I'll see some of you in two weeks and then you can judge for yourself whether or not the changes I've made are for the better.
The wife reads my blog from time to time and I try these days to keep private matters private, but out of respect for my wife, out of this amazing love I've found for her, I need to talk about her today for just a minute, because most of the people that read the blog are friends of ours.
Here's what I want to say about my wife. In trying to pass along information to her last fall, I made her out to be something she's not. I was wrong for doing that. All Wendi wanted to do was spend the rest of her life with me, which until we got married, was pretty good. Nobody saw me at home with her, withdrawn, sitting on the couch because my life wasn't Wendi, it was my stupid job. Nobody heard the things, hurtful things I said to her when I cheated on her. Nobody saw me living in another part of the house after she came back home because I couldn't live with the shame of what I'd done to her and not knowing I was doing more harm than good by doing this. I couldn't see it myself but it's no excuse and no way to live. I never respected Wendi as my wife until she decided to come home after my affair.
In that moment, my wife taught me what love is. And as I came to Christ, through all the things I've been through, I understand more about what marriage is, what love is, than I ever knew before. Wendi is not a choice, she's not a back-up plan. Wendi is a terrific woman, a wonderful friend, a beautiful mother of a beautiful baby boy, and she deserved better than what I gave her.
I need to explain to my friends this, too, but mostly for Wendi's understanding. If I tell it only to her, then it's a promise that may be empty. If I tell it to the world, then maybe the world will help me live up to my words and certainly call me out when I don't. I want to say this again, because it's important: Wendi is not a choice. She's not a back-up plan. She's not me running to my past because I'm afraid of the future. What she is, is my wife. What she deserved from me is unconditional love, respect, honor, honesty and fidelity. She deserved my help, my patience, and my support. When you saw me give her those things, and I did to some degree, was me giving her what I did with the expectation that I was to get what I wanted in return. I put a price on our relationship because I wanted all the toys, the big house, this and that material thing. I wanted to do what I wanted to do.
What Wendi got was a huge house that she had to take care of and me not respecting she did. She got a spendthrift husband who couldn't look past today to plan for tomorrow. She got a man, a worldly man. What she needed was a godly man. She needed the man to stand by her when it got hard. She needed the man who was willing to put her needs ahead of his. She needed the man to answer the phone because she was lonely and missing him without worrying about how much that little bit of reassurance was costing him. That makes me sick about me... and Wendi, I'm sorry for that too. I loved hearing from her every day. I'm blessed I was in a place that others would have loved to be, damn the cost of the call. I'm sorry about that. I truly an.
I need my friends to know that I had a side you didn't see at work. Wendi was kind enough to not show it or share it with too many people, a courtesy I did not repay her. For every bad thing that happened, there are a thousand little things that you never heard about that were fantastic. Unfortunately, that scorecard is extremely lopsided and I want our friends to know that, too.
This is a sort of love letter to my wife. I don't give a damn about what people think of me, but it's important for me to start to undo some of the damage from the past. Wendi's reputation took a big hit because some things that were better left private I made very public. I'm taking the opportunity to apologize for that. Wendi inside is still that same loving, wonderful person who we all knew, and God willing, there may be a way in the future for her to be a part of our lives again.
That's going to take a ton of work on my part. It's going to take a HUGE leap of faith on her part because the Dale that she knows is the one she doesn't want in her life. Sometimes a little bit of that old person comes out in conversation and I'm trying to find tools to deal with the issues that cause that to happen. I need to for our friends on both sides to understand this, too. If, and it's a rather large, almost insurmountable if, Wendi takes that leap of faith, we're going to need all the help we can get. We're going to need our friends more than ever. We'll need your prayers, your support, your understanding. We can't be the people that live in Idaho that you never see. We'll need our friends in our lives, so if Wendi and I are able to move into the future together, it's important you come see us once in a while. Wendi's an awesome cook, I promise she'll feed you well and you can play with Wyatt, who by the way is so stinkin' cute it ain't even funny!
Wendi asked me today how I saw our lives and I need to tell you that we need our friends. What our home always was missing was a house full of people hanging out, enjoying some beers and some good cooking. That needs to change and we need your help to make that happen. What we also need you to do is something hard. We need you to not feel uncomfortable around us. It's like this: If Wendi can forgive me and I can forgive her, we need our friends to forgive us.
I thought about the above question a little more than I had time to share with Wendi on the phone today. I see our life together in ways I never thought I would. I see trips to the zoo, to the aviary, to the park. I see the joy of a little boy catching his first fish. I see building a swingset. I see so much of life now in a million different ways. I see Wendi as a stay at home mom, making birthday cakes and doing the occasional wedding from home. I see her making me repaint the house (wherever we land) every couple of years. I see her doing crafts, making scrapbooks and taking a thousand pictures a week. I see her being the room mom at Wyatt's school so he's never too far out of sight. Wendi is a water baby and I see us at the beach often. There will be camping trips, trips to Yellowstone. Thank God, that there are some things Wendi and I did that will always be just ours. There will be a Disneyland trips and Wyatt will wonder why his mom and I are having more fun than he is.
I make no illusions about how hard it will be to get there. I'll need to help Wendi every day put the past behind us. I'll need to stand there for every bad word, every hurt feeling, every question. I'll need to face tears, long nights, separate bedrooms to start out with, and a realization that I lost two wonderful years with this woman because I made a stupid, selfish choice. I'm willing to accept what comes from that choice. I'll need my friends then and Wendi will need hers, to stand by us, not to judge, not to say this or that, but to offer encouragement and to just listen.
One other point Wendi made to me was that she tried to stay in Ogden but it didn't work out. God led her back east, back home, and that, I explained to her was an answer to my prayer, too. Truly it was a blessing because if she hadn't, there wouldn't have been a road trip in November to take her things to her. There wouldn't have been the New Year's Eve visit. There wouldn't have been last weekend, which wasn't by any means perfect but it was a start. I would have never met and fallen in love with Wyatt. God put her where she needed to be so He could open the doors I never could have if she'd have stayed in Ogden, to show her I'm committed to her and to us and I praise Him for that opportunity. Talk is cheap. When you have to sacrifice for someone else, that says a little bit more than words ever could. Saying it is one thing, showing it is another and I hope this blog does both.
As I said, there's only a small chance that Wendi will actually come home. She doesn't see me & happy in the same way she once did. It will take a long time, I think, to help her make that connection. I understand that and enter into this next phase of our relationship knowing full well that the result may not be the one I hope and pray for. All I can do is just pledge to be the best long distance absentee husband I can be.
What I'm hoping today though is that you, the reader, take this away from my story. I need to publicly acknowledge how I treated Wendi and that she's a wonderful human being. I need to put myself on the line for my responsibility in destroying that relationship. I need you all to know that I've accepted my faults and tried to fix them. There is work to be done. If I say it to Wendi, it's just talk. If I say it to you, to the world, before all of you, and God Almighty, then it's not. I need our friends to know that we need you. We can't do this alone. We won't be alone. But it's my hope, it's my sincere hope that by saying these things out loud that I'm able to show Wendi yet again that I'm ready and willing to be the man she needs me to be.
I can't be the man of the past. That was yesterday. I'm looking to tomorrow and the life I can try to give her. It won't be easy but point out to me one thing in life that's worth having that ever is.
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